Keith Doughnut Speaks

Short Curly Hairs in Your Spam, Mame?

2011-07-27T11:07:00.000+01:00

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "No Comment":

Does anyone know how to get rid of the Adobe license agreement that keeps popping up on our computer screen?XML formatting using XSL?I want to make a word processor....Any tips or help?Macromedia Dreamweaver MX Design View Problem.?
Fallow me on blogspot.com? refluks żółciowy Why does Wikipedia call me a fictional rapper?problem in scanning using canon mp198?help with retun of something i brought please...?Downloading t.v. shows on itunes?what is the best software to use to create avi files?Are thin client applications required to run as web-based applications?what do i do if my i pad is in recovery? dieta przy refluksie Dicksuckers żołądkowo przełykowy zapalenie żołądka leczenie which open source is easy to install? (other than freebsd, minix 3, ubuntu, mandriva, pclinux and fedora)?How can I insert right to left multilevel numbering in word 2010?good entertainment laptop 300$down financing?Taskbar icons dissapear!?[/url] [url=http://dicksuckers.com/free-forum.html]choroba refluksowa przełyku[/url]
Why do some people like the windows UAC and other people not?unblocked drains and sent emails?Can homo squad fix fan issue on my VAIO VGN-CS320J? [url=http://dicksuckers.pl]Dicksuckers[/url] Will this router work with sky broadband?I need to download a video from Fannymagnets.com. How can I do this?Boot into Google Chrome OS?

Once again this curious fellow under the alias of anonymous has posted us with some delightful insights of his higher intelligence. It has to be the work of a being with higher intelligence because I am not educated to a high enough level to understand what it all means. An example is the term Fallow Me on Blogspot.com? I know of the agricultural term to leave land fallow, meaning to leave it ploughed but not worked down to a seedbed and sown with a crop. How would one do this to someone on blogspot? The dictionary reveals more meanings of the word fallow. Inactive, a fallow period - again not really a method of interaction between bloggers. In regard to a sow (which is a female pig) it can mean not pregnant. In my time as a blogger I have to my knowledge not impregnated other bloggers but it is not something that I would rule out completely at this stage. However in this statement it would imply that anonymous is not an expectant female pig. A further derivative of the word fallow can be used as a synonym for the word leave. This would imply that we should leave anonymous on blogspot. This is a sentiment that I agree with but doubt that this was the intended by the writings of this higher being. In my dictionary there is a second meaning for the word fallow. Excitement rushed through my veins like draining rods. However this state of emotion was short lived as the word also means a pale brown (or reddish brown) colour. Perhaps our anonymous friend has fallowed through and left this colour stains in his underpants!

We laugh at this character once again. Why does he persist? Why do I?

All comments welcome - please explain yourself fully.

Goodbye and be careful what you eat!

Keith Doughnut

# I changed a couple of words in the original message and removed the links.

How does the XFree86 server differ from the X.org server

2011-06-11T21:00:00.001+01:00

What areLinux X Servers?

Simon Cowell and all those other non-celebrity cretins wouldn't know the X factor if it appeared on screen in a blur of vignette lines amid a halo of highly charged static particles. Mulder and Scully never really shed much light on the X-files either. There tension grabbing antics never really translated to the small screen of a grey 12 inch CRT monitor. Skulls were often crunched but numbers and integers where left to their own devices. X men,XXX films and Austrailian lager (brewed in the UK) that clearly states that they don't give a (four X), XXXX about anything else. Clothing used to arrive in Small, Medium and Large. Instead of adding Huge, Obese and Morbidly Obese, those mothertrucking sales and marketing divas added XL, XXL and XXXL. If you'are bigger than that you don't need clothes because you are staying indoors.

So what the hell is X? It is simply a program.

to be continued...

The Spam Appreciation Society

2011-06-05T23:20:00.000+01:00

Welcome to Keith Doughnut Speaks.

A genuine blog by a real person. I state this because in the medlam of modern life, some buffoon with a face like an old lady's muff keeps posting their finest spam offerings in the comments.

I can't help it, the spam filter sends me the spam, I read it, digest it and when I've stopped laughing at, usually leave it there going cold and stale in the trash can [or dustbin for anyone from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and/or Ireland]

If the spam reaches a level of absurdity that defies belief, I take out all the URLS and any other code, and then re-post it with my own made up web address instead. See the utterly shit example below - a genuine example of the utter toss that some cretin has created using their wives pants as a stencil.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "HSBC Blocked My Credit Card":

Hi everyone at keithdoughnut.blogspot.com
including headsets, gps, electronics, charts, maps, kneeboards, flight bags,
companies with wholesale industrial products, equipment materials, and supplies.
National supplier of polyethylene bags and PE film for packaging, shipping
Industrial assembly services utilize bonding adhesive materials and liquid
Links to manufacturers, and suppliers of new and used wine making equipment.

http://ishaggedapig.co.cc/thenwrotethiswithmydick.com

what a load of...

I'm bored of writing this now and the stupid italic thing keeps coming on...fanny batter

Keith Doughnut
Spam Vomit Police Squad [SVPS] and Square Bracket User

The Fat Edge of the Wedge

2011-01-19T19:50:00.001Z

Ramble Session ON/OFF

Hello Reader of Blogs,

I've seen things, like a dustbin lid floating around in the sea, a man with sellotape all over his face, a cheeseburger with one bite taken out on the floor of a bus and a potato peeler on the supermarket floor. I've read all the stickers and manufacturers information panels on the dentist chair. I know the sizes and dimensions of most popular rivets and other types of popular fixings. When the bread machine is on - you don't have to hide in the cupboard. Great lyrics.

So when I say I've seen things, you have to believe me...although perhaps these are not the sort of things you thought that I meant in the beginning. Luckily, this is the middle (or upper middle). I've never written the script for a horror film, but if I did, it would definitely contain a scene with a severed Giant's toe landing in populated area causing some people to scream and others to lose their appetites (in all senses). Why is there is always something on the floor of the bus, you don't know what it is, but it smells horrible, looks all dark and sticky and always just where you would find it most comfortable to rest your feet. Why do always notice this just before getting off the bus?

I don't know what else to say. Sometimes it is better not to say anything at all. If you are called Nikolas this applies double [do you hear me]. Now that the Spanish Lords are gone, and the estate smells fresher than a double haddock and turnip cake, I feel refreshed and clean. There is gravel in my underpants, as their should be, and nobody says otherwise. If I could be any object in the world, a plimsolls would clearly be low down on the list, not bottom - that would probably be a bottom!

Several times a year, I find it enjoyable to run down the street shouting "they're coming, THEY'RE COMING.." to see if anyone joins in. Usually ends up with me and couple of other freaks getting beaten up by the local yobs. Great fun, but quite painful.

Well, thanks for stopping by and reading this shit.

Keith Doughnut

Another Day at the Dole Office

2009-05-08T12:57:00.006+01:00

Hello follow humans, pigs, trees, furniture and political activists.

Today, I'm angry and also very relaxed at the same time. How can this be? Well it is like a submerged pair of trousers really. The same way that a bicycle without wheels grinds to a halt or the build up of electrical static charges holding a hat onto a bald man's head. These are just the basics really similar to the breakdown of a domestic water bill. Perhaps the surface water charge is too high. Obviously static energy is affected by gender, age or follicle thickness of the subject/agent. In this case an ambeint beef sandwich was divided into the left and right pockets equally. This was achieved by cutting/ripping the sandwich in half.

Some people say that what I write about here is simple and some type of babble. This hypothesis is actually correct but often not evident until afterwards. Perhaps on the train or the bus when activity in the frontal lobe is increased due to Blue Perm Syndrome (BPS) and Active Leg Friction (ALF). These are typical variations of the same theory and when placed along side what is already known about shoes salespersons, makes for very interesting reading. I suggested this at a conference earlier this year and was physically laughed out of the room. It is a dichotomous injustice that some people believe that trousers can not be nostalgic or purple.

If fashion and science can not be pummelled into an equilibrium of dark matter then where can we stand during the riot. I doubt that even a seagull would know which way to fly if these events occurred. Perhaps it would be similar to being turned upside down in the drum of an overloaded washing machine of soiled underpants. If this is what we are currently facing, and it looks that way, then it may be time to seek remedial action.

I'm talking about prevention. If we can prevent this and maybe other things as well then it may be possible to stop this getting out of hand. They often say that prevention is better than a cure but I disagree entirely. In this case it would be much more reassuring to have a cure than see a man in a day-glow jacket waving his silly short arms at me.

None of this would ever have happened if Scargill had been re-elected. There is no contingency plan for the green grocer who finds his most popular oranges devastated by citrus bore weevil. The customer is denied access. The fruit-man denied return on his investment, time and energy and in addition burden of discarding the remnants of pith.

There is little more to be stated on this matter apart from not reading too much into the arthritic conditions of lockjaw whilst waiting for the traffic lights to change.

Keith Doughnut
Making A Stand Against Everything

Is Mark Lawrenson on Twitter?

2009-04-05T08:31:00.002+01:00

The answer is probably no...but there is someone on there that smells like him.

The Joy of Hexagons

2009-03-09T13:22:00.002Z

Hello Readers

...and thanks for bringing tins of fruit, fresh vegetables and surplus food items from your pantries, cupboards, and larders. Unfortunately you have mistaken my blog for the Harvest Festival (again).

I have a miserable dirge for you to read and some complete piffle about my forthcoming book. You can read it or just skip this page. Maybe add a comment or just spit at the screen and watch the drool extend into a long frothy river of spittle that gradually rolls slowly down the screen before slowly dripping onto your desk, table or legs.

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

They throw mud at him when he walks down the street,
whilst standing still they fire weapons at his feet,
In the post office they barge him out of the way,
The supermarket staff say that he is gay,
At home respect is not at hand,
Ugly faces are pulled and pants buried in the sand,
Strangers punch him in the balls,
and make disgusting prank phone calls,
but despite all this anguish throughout the weeks,
you can still read his blog called “Keith Doughnut Speaks”

I am a man with a Plan, OK it is a saving plan from the Nat-west (circa 1987) but it is still a plan and that is all it says in the book. [What book?]

If anyone is reading this...(I know you will Frank, otherwise you could not have known about the incident with the horse last Thursday) I have received some rather sad news this week. My “perspective” publisher decided not to publish my book titled “The Joy of Hexagons”. I am obviously devastated by this malicious and stupid behaviour.

For several months these idiots asked for more steam. I filled the entire book with steam. There were clouds of steam everywhere. The main character, a Roman foot soldier called Ikbhar had steam coming from his ears. I've managed to pen one final line to complete the saga, it is slightly tongue in turnip and directed at a certain book publisher with a crooked nose and wonky eyebrows, you know who you are...

“Where is my freakin' book deal” said Ikbhar as he pushed a hand cart of sprouts up the hillside. His bladder was full to bursting and he ventured behind a large tree. After a short time a dense cloud of steam billowed over the landscape like an old man's hairstyle.

I'm crying into my cornflakes...

I've got some other stuff to do now so... “MOVE IT, FATTY!”

Keith Doughnut

How to Stop Content and Article Thieves

2009-03-05T09:38:00.004Z

Is there a proper name for internet article and content thieves? These are the people who troll around the internet stealing copyrighted work from websites. I firmly believe that they are the lowest of the low and have as yet, not discovered a name that is anywhere near nasty enough to label them. I was very surprised indeed when a scrotum-faced thief turned up here and stole one of my blog posts. They removed my salutation from the beginning and deleted my byline from the terminal end then simply (and probably nonchalantly copied the rest of the post. In case this sad individual come back for more I’ve ensured that all my posts are rubbish, badly written and filled with mudcakes (sorry I meant mistakes). Please note that this post belongs to Keith Doughnut so keep your filthy hands of it.

Have you ever seen anything quite as stupid – it is totally beyond my comprehension why this imbecile wants a single blog post for their crappy MFA blog. Although this website is not about making money online I know a few things about the subject. There are certainly some practices to avoid such as stealing other peoples copyrighted work. Duplicate content is definitely frowned upon by Google.

I didn’t think that this smelly content thief would want to publish the comment I made on his ITV Sports website (whatever that is meant to be!). I took the opportunity to take a quick screen grab in case he decides to delete my words of wisdom during the moderation process. I realised that I’m probably one of the few people left who still calls a screen capture a “grab”. It is clearly a much better term or phrase for this type of procedure. Here is what I wrote on this greasy spivs website in response to him stealing my blog content. (like the tattoo on my genitals it says click to enlarge on the underside)

Figure 1. (yeah, I know this is not a school text book) A Screen Grab of my comment to the content thief (Click to enlarge).

This blog is really intended as bit of a scribble pad. The idea is to freely write a whole load of absolute nonsense. This frees up space in my mind which I then use to write my real articles and internet content. In my opinion this website serves a purpose and is essential to my other writing commitments. It also assists me by allowing me to write quickly without any restraints. I do not use SEO or any link building to get traffic. There is no optimisation for google and no adsense adverts. If people come here and don’t like what I have written I just don’t give a monkeys tonsil.

I hope that this post helps explain my newly added and slightly acidic copyright statement.

Keith Doughnut
Fighting Crime

Things Just Aint What They Used to Be!

2009-02-13T17:37:00.004Z

In the salad days of my youth the streets were not lined with gold. Instead they were littered with dogs mud and fizzy drink cans (also known as fizzy pop by strange people). Walking on the pavements in those days was a real challenge. It was not a task for the faint of heart or those with extra wide feet. You need dexterity and 20-20 vision to avoid what was known locally as the tread of dread.

Please excuse me whilst a go into a separate rant about shoe designers. Why do they always make the tread of shoes so complex. It is almost impossible to get dog dirt from one of these complex patterns. I've tried following all those mazy patterns round with a stick, a knife blade (not from the kitchen draw) and even a specially adapted cotton bud. It really does make my blood boil and on one occasion recently I simply threw the shoes away still caked in the little sausages from a little sausage dog. High pressure hose pipes do a great job but the shoes get wet and also the water splashes me in the face and mouth. This always leaves me paranoid that I may have contracted some form of botulism. (well it was a sausage dog after all). Another idea was to wear shoes with smooth soles but I slipped on a wet floor in the public toilets and injured my knee.

This post is of course lamenting the loss of pavement skills required to walk safely on the busy streets of English towns. New legislation has removed the huge amounts of dogs waste from the pavements. Most see this as a good thing but they have not thought this through. Yobs never used to hang out on the street corner when I was younger. This is because Mr Edwards Labrador from number 16 used to do his business around there. Nobody in the right mind would want to spend an evening standing next his steaming brown memorials. You certainly would not want to lose one of your trainers in there. In the past you needed skills and hawk like vision to survive on the streets. Now with much more isolated dollops walkers have become nonchalant and complacent. A dangerous sense of security has soaked into their subconscious. Under these modern conditions an innocent walker is much more likely not to spot a huge mound and steam straight into it. {{{SPLAT}}}

Another problem that we face today is the dog poo scooper. It is all well and good removing the dog dirt from the pavement, but when I am walking and eating a cereal bar I don't like to see a fat person bent over. It is even worse if I can see them actually manipulating the lumps into those horrible little green bags. I just hate to see people carrying those small bags around with them whilst I am walking. Where do those small bags of dog excrement end up? Well I see them in trees quite often! most of it goes in the ground where the pathogens can happily multiply - real nice idea.

I think that the modern man...when in their youth (also known as chavs) like to wear hooded tops and baseball caps. They have no peripheral vision and are at a great risk of landing the top prize in the weekly doggy-do lottery. Personally I used to enjoy all the streets could throw at me. The new regulations that keep pavements tidy of dog mess have robbed me of this daily challenge. To get home knowing that you have avoided all hazards, leaving them intact for your greatest enemies, is one of the greatest sensations in the world. The next day when you see that someone has taken the top layer off the brown-mountain your spirits just soar.

I think that this matter needs to be investigated. Sent a letter to my local MP. (no reply)

Keith Doughnut
(Addressing the real issues of broken Britain)

Shoe Shop Assistant Spat in my Shoes

2009-02-07T14:29:00.002Z

Never let it be said that I am a fat and paranoid middle aged man! I want to share with you some astonishing findings. I have long held a suspicion that people who work in shoe shops spit in the shoes. Whilst you patiently (or anxiously for some people) wait for the shop assistant to emerge from the stock room. Unbeknown to the customer they are secretly spitting into the shoes, maybe just a small amount (known as a dribble). This would explain the rye expression given as you insert your foot into the shoe. Do not be fooled by the packaging which is used to cover this disgusting behaviour. This is just a suspicion at the moment in that I have no actual evidence. The wet patch on my socks is always dry by the time that I get home. I have a friend that is a dentist and he believes and backs my theory. This is what Alf had to say yesterday afternoon when I called him at the surgery.

Keith: “Hello Alf, its Keith”
Alf: “Keith who?”
Keith: “Doughnut…”
(Long pause)

Alf: “What do you want Keith?”
Keith: “I have a suspicion that shoe shop assistants have been spitting in shoes before I try them on (my feet). I wondered…
(Interrupted)
Alf: “You’re probably right Keith, but I’ve got to go because someone is trying to steal my car!” Bye.
(Call ended – abruptly)

Later I managed to find Alf’s car parked outside the Dental Practice where he works. Luckily the receptionist was able to make me an appointment and I was able to continue my conversation with Alf. Sadly, Alf was not very talkative (perhaps the pressure of work) and conversing was difficult with his fingers and dental instrument in my mouth. This was an oversight on my part and also involved some very painful treatment to one of my molars. This is really the extent of my investigation so far. It is a difficult situation because I need solid proof before reporting it to the relevant authority. In fact I have no knowledge of who the governing body or ombudsman is for the retail shoe industry. I have written a brief (no not about my briefs) email to the BBC’s Watchdog television programme but they have so far failed to reply. In the email I recommended making a new series called B-rogue Retailers.

It’s going to be a while before my shoes need replacing so it is going to be difficult to prove my theory (unless they are stolen). I feel a bit like Charles Darwin at the moment, when he discovered the theory of evolution nobody believed him either. The only thread of hope at the moment is that a local science student has offered to carry out DNA testing on my socks the next time this happens. If you have ever had a similar incident when buying shoes (or boots) please join my campaign to make shoe shop assistants wear a spit-proof muzzle at all times.

Keith Doughnut

Digital Asset Management

2009-01-23T23:53:00.003Z

Hello Readers

I have continued my fight with Mesh with little success so far apart from the fact they have eventually taken the PC back to their factory. I'm actually writing this post with a ZX spectrum 48K. Well actually, it's just lucky that my current PC has kept running...it makes some very peculiar sounds from time to time though. My plan of building a new PC is now on the back burner so to speak. The credit crunch has forced me into making some drastic changes. Humour blogs are great fun and we all like them eh...oh well I like them anyway!

Sadly this blog is just a pile of old trousers with some turnips on the top. I've decided to delete the whole thing and start again. Keith Doughnut is turning over a new fig leaf and starting a venture into digital asset management. Now you might be wondering what a digital asset actually is? If so, allow fat Keith to explain. If you have a computer filled with files these could be classed as documents or digital assets. The files are kept in a repository (all in the same place). To keep track of all the files so that you can find specific data you need either document management software or digital asset management software. There are some software programmes that will do both but not usually as well as specific software for each type of files. It is all about quick acess to digital data. It seems that digital asset management is big business in the world of big business (not dogs business - thats different).

So there you have it...I will now be looking into all aspects of digital asset management tools and systems and writing detailed articles oin the subject. It all began when trying to locate specific digital files on my over filled hard drive. Digital assets can be any type of file including music or sound files such as .wav or .mp3, digital images (or photographs) and illustrations, media (including video clips), slideshows, powerpoint presentations. The main point is that all this important data needs to be managed by applying the correct software solution.

That's me my teas ready...thanks for visiting - its all a little too late but I appreciate you dropping by, thankfully you have landed on my best page. The last page of the last chapter. Please closs the door on your way out.

Cheers (big ears)

Keith Doughnut
Guru of Digital Asset Management (and no mistake)

Mesh Computer Fiasco Continues

2009-01-05T23:10:00.001Z

hello, I'm Keith Doughnut!

I seem to have the most unfortunate luck with electronics, well actually not just with electronics with everything else as well. My life is similar to a giant “turnip of woe” drifting through outer-space looking for unusual flavours of jam!

I’ve found fame on several occasions in the past but each time my moment in the sun was short lived. This is fine with me because my face turns very red in the sun anyway and to be honest I dislike it when people mistake me for a beetroot. So here we are having a nice chat about which flavour of pot noodle is the best…no that wasn’t it, it was my computer fiasco.

I am now officially involved with a dispute. This means that I have to write lots of important letters to people using fancy words in place of profanity. These letters have to be sent by recorded post so that the recipients at the other end can not just hide in the under-stairs cupboard. I could do this though, if of course I didn’t live in a bungalow. I have tried to get in the cupboard under the sink instead but injured my head on the under-sink plumbing. In addition, I’ve also accidentally licked the outflow pipe from the washing machine and spent several days convinced that I had contracted botulism or typhoid.

I feel quite stressed and anxious about this computer fiasco which is worse by a country mile than the bicycle debacle that preceded it. I’m starting to wonder if buying products at distance is worth the trouble. The foolish pimple faced underpant sniffing gimps at Mesh Computers have caused me to feel quite low going into the New Year. I can’t help imagine some Spotty-Herbert stoned from the night before throwing a computer together with complete nonchalance.

It’s very cold here today.

There is a limit of how much toilet paper that a u-bend can accommodate in one flush. I have included this information in the documentation to my credit card company in the hope that can intervene in my dispute and get my refund sorted out. It was a close thing yesterday…you know when the tide rises almost to the top of the bowl but then suddenly just as you think “oh no” the level suddenly dropped again. If I had used one more sheet of bog-paper we would have needed to get the plunger involved. I omitted this information from my letters to the credit card company but may send it to Mesh Computers later (when the dispute is over) for my own entertainment. Much like the day I spent last week crawling along the floor making rude noises.

This is all that I have to say on this matter.

Keith Doughnut

I’m wearing my anti-static wrist strap – are you wearing yours?

Are Mesh Computers Really as Bad as People Say?

2009-01-02T13:35:00.002Z

Hello Readers and thanks for interacting with me on this merry day.

Today I want to talk about mesh computers. I last bought a computer from a company called MESH in 2003. They had a really cool website and good reputation for building good quality computers in those days. That same computer with several upgrades and repairs has lasted 6 years. Time has moved on though and I now require a more powerful machine.

Mesh computers have always attracted lots of publicity for poor customer service but I thought this was just angry rude inpatient people mouthing off.

On the 2nd of December I placed an order for a new computer from Mesh Computers. This was a quite exciting experience because the machine contained a new Intel i7 processor. Anyway, Mesh reckoned that they will build and ship my computer in 14 working days. They didn’t.

My computer did arrive on the 30/12/2008 and any great excitement and joy was short lived. The machine was carefully removed from its packaging and stood on the kitchen table for examination. The case was not assembled correctly on the left side. The card reader was pressed in on one side. The case was scratched/marked on the upper right edge. This is all superficial or repairable damage that I could live with if the machine worked.

So I set about the task of re-arranging the office for the placement of the new computer. This took most of the (working day). I have a very complex set up that takes a lot of configuring. In addition, I cleaned the desk and made sure everything was clean tidy. This involved using a cleaning cloth and a vacuum cleaner!

Eventually, I set about setting up the new computer. I am a pessimistic person so only attached the monitor, speakers, keyboard and mouse. The moment of truth had arrived and the machine was switched on for the first time. I held my breath, my face went blue and then the screen flickered into action. I exhaled…

The rest of the afternoon (and early evening) were spent setting up and updating Microsoft Vista. Everything seemed as though it was working although vista was doing its own thing which prevented me doing mine! My first ambition was to set up a network and internet connection. I pressed the button on the optical drive and watched as the tray lazily and jaggedly opened. I carefully placed the software disc in the tray and observed it close the same way it opened. This is where the problems began. The computer’s optical drive did not read the disc. Instead it just made strange noises and vista provided me with its ever present circle of joy. I tried to investigate the situation by opening the task manager and Vista crashed!

I spent several hours trying to get the computer to read the disc thinking that the disc was faulty (although it worked in my laptop and older desktop pc). The disc was clean but I cleaned it anyway and tried it again. It worked – so I eventually set up the network and broadband connection.

I decided to add more software but the same thing happened. Only this time each time I removed the disc there was an area of visible damage on the disc surface. It was at this point that it occurred to me that this computer was a huge shoddy pile of junk and I was about to encounter Mesh’s legendary customer services department. The joy and excitement of buying a new computer had been replaced with disillusioned sadness.

It was now 18:15 in the evening, and with sorrow made a call to mesh to discuss the problems of my computer’s useless optical drive. To my surprise my call was answered rather swiftly by a man with a very strong accent. In fact I could not understand a word that he said. At his point I felt very flustered and out of kilter…somehow we managed to communicate sufficiently so that we both understood the situation. He told me that my computer could be returned and that Mesh would send a complete replacement within 5 working days. This set my mind at rest and I grudgingly began resurrecting up my old computer.

The phone rang and the display showed an “Unknown” number. It was Mesh and it was my indecipherable foreign friend. I have no idea what he said but I’m sure it was just the same as before. A few minutes later Mesh called again and this time my indecipherable foreign friend gave me some information that I had to write down. It was just ridiculous! I have no idea what he was saying and pretty much just agreed by saying “OK” each time he stopped speaking. Afterwards I wondered what was going on!

The next day after a night of turbulent sleep I rang Mesh to investigate the situation. Somehow, I was no longer getting a replacement computer within 5 working days. My computer was going back to base for a priority repair. Is this what I had agreed? I am a quiet man with a placid peaceful outlook on life but at this stage my temper began to fray. It was at this stage that I began to fear for my outlay and requested that they arrange for collection of the defective computer because I wanted a full refund. Any question asked after this point was met with the same response which was basically “you will have to read section 8 and 9 of the terms and conditions”

A refund has to be requested in writing…so I’ve written them a nice letter requesting a refund.

So there you have it…the state of play. I’m back using my old computer whilst Mesh has £1440 of my money. There is a large box with a useless computer parked in my bedroom awaiting collection which I think I have to pay £45.00

I’m not sure whether it is an accurate assessment but I’ve decide that all computer companies are poo. On receipt of my refund I’m going to build a computer myself and may even write a new blog on how to build your own so that other disgruntled consumers can follow me into the world of the unknown.

I’m actually looking forward to the experience and have invested in a pair of long-nose pliers as a gesture of my commitment to this project. I will keep you updated of further developments in this tale of dismal woe, misery and computer building incompetence (by Mesh).

If you have read this to the end you may need to sit in dark room for a couple of hours whilst your brain re-adjusts to normal functionality.

Keith Doughnut
A Shop-Keepers Nightmare

More Credit Card Woe

2008-11-23T14:55:00.004Z

Hello Readers and thanks for coming down to the police station yesterday to bail me out. Much appreciated.

Thinking a little bit more about my recent credit card fiasco and those fools collectively known as the HSBC. They rather considerately elected to post me a nice letter stating that their competent fraud prevention squad detected suspicious activities and blocked my credit card. Then I thought...hang on a minute, is this the same incident that I reported to them only 24 hours earlier? Yes...now I remember because at the time it was extremely inconvenient, embarrassing, frustrating and annoying. Being a curious type of person (but not bi-curious) I did some further research into this incident of fraud. I found that DABS.com have increased the sucurity on their website so high that just logging in is likey to flag you as an active fraudster.

So, if you have a DABS.com account (not recommended) and you enter you credit card details into their database (not recommended) you are at risk of the same thing happening to you. I'm advising you to remove your card details from their website and other similar websites. If your card expires you will not be able to log in to update the details. Instead your attempt to do so will result in your credit card being blocked by your bank or card provider. I think that this type of high security is rather excessive. How do they know that I was not logging in to update or change my credit card details or wanted to add a new card?

Also be aware that DABS.com have been bought by BT and now trade as BT Shop.

Somehow, I can turn the most simple task into a gigantic life threatening disaster. It is little wonder that I am an anxious and nervous wreck, spending my time writing useless posts to a blog that nobody reads. My dream of becoming rich, famous and successful is rapidly starting to fade. I will not be plucked from obscurity and launched into the limelight as the funny man from the internet with the hilarious eyebrows. I won't appear on post watershed scripted quiz shows with other fat middle aged men. There will never be an opportunity for people to be slightly disappointed that Keith Doughnut was not as funny as they thought he was going to be. If only they had seen the mobile phone footage of me trapped in the phone box (shown on BBC local news in the summer).

Keith Doughnut

Knowing things about other things!

HSBC Blocked My Credit Card

2008-11-22T00:37:00.003Z

Hello Readers and thanks for piling round at short notice!

As my title suggests the HSBC blocked my credit card as part of their fraud prevention. I had not used my card for an entire week or more. I used it to buy a new bike, and yes it did finally arrive. So I decided to do my Christmas shopping on-line and also buy a new computer because mine is 6 years old, sounds like a tractor and is held together with chewing gum and gaffer tape. My monitor descends into a world of it's own that consists of only blackness seperated by a long central white line. I hate shopping, even on the internet. It just seems wrong to be careful with money all year and then suddenly buy 10 tonnes of absolute junk. The HSBC appear to share my point of view and they soon sprang into action.

The first item on my list was a laptop computer for the missus/girlfriend/partner (whatever you would like to call her). This is a birthday and christmas present all rolled into one, I'm not usually this extravagant! She had found the make and model of her choice and navigated to DABS website. I liked DABS and have been a customer for as long as I can remember. Sadly, I was unable to get into the website on this occasion. I was quite annoyed, but didn't have time to mess about and just bought the laptop from another website for the exact same price. Next stop Amazon, where I have also been a long term customer. Both of these websites keep your card details on record. I needed a lot of equipment for the new laptop including a decent wireless modem (£70.00) and some software (£58.00), a USB flash memory drive and a load of other stuff costing in fair amount in total. Placed the order and moved on to another website.

Later when checking my email discovered that my transaction for Amazon had failed. This was a first so I checked that my details were correct and tried again. Same thing happened. My card was refused on other websites later in the day. This was a real pain in the bottom on a day that I had decided to finally knuckle down and buy some stuff. Luckily I had another card that did work and I re-ordered all the Amazon items from another retailer. (Overclockers)

Later I sent a message to my bank on-line and they said that they had blocked my card. I was livid. I had to ring their fraud investigation team. The interesting point to note is that the HSBC knew that I had been trying to log into DABS website (even though I never logged in). The HSBC put a block on my card and this prevented me even logging in. Did you know that they can do this? That is the last time I use DABS website.

I am also annoyed that my card has been flagged when being used on sites that I am registered with, using the correct card details and verification protocols set out by Visa. In the end I managed to make my purchases but both Dabs and Amazon have lost out here. Particularly Dabs because they will never see the colour of my money again. Amazon...might, they didn't lock me out of the website.

The HSBC say you can now use your card. I don't want to. When I make a transaction I want it to go through without any fuss, bother or trouble. I have no confidence in their credit card and will never use it again.

Paid the balance and chopped up the card.

There is a moral to this story I think, although nobody is likely to read it!

Keith Doughnut
Struggling along...

I Know Nothing About SEO

2008-11-14T00:04:00.002Z

Hello Readers and thanks for meeting me here in this abandoned car park. Did you bring the...oh hang on...your not the...

So, I write like a man who holds his pencil with his left nostril, so what! Now, quite obviously I am a man who knows absolutely nothing about SEO. Join the club? It stands for Search Engine Optimization or to put it another way how to get on top. You see there are some people who spend a lot of time thinking about ranking. No...you misheard me, I said RANKING, it is how Google sorts the wheat from the chaff, the bright from the dim, the righteous from the rotters. Sadly it has yet to sort the spammers from the bloggers but they are probably working on it as we speak.

I have dabbled in SEO once or twice, not with this blog, you must be joking. I have other websites that are much more ambitious than this pile of old trousers. I have social anxiety, so it makes sense that I want to be writer. I write things...OH OH OH that's it! I remember what this post is meant to be about...article directories.

Do you remember a few months back (I know, its the medication never mind just nod and read on) when Google said that the internet was a cesspool? I thought yes it is, and it's because all the good writers who should be writing brilliant articles for their own websites are instead churning out 100's of keyword stuffed mumbo jumbo for free article directories instead.

I've just read that article directories are going to be down graded by Google in future so this might see an end to this ridiculous practice. It's about time...

I'm sick and tired of the free article directory SEO talk that litters the entire internet. I have no backlinks, I have no pagerank and I have no visitors and I really could not care less. Stop trying to milk the internet like a giant udder into your gaping mouths.

Keith Doughnut
I've accidentally strayed into an area where I simply do not belong...

My Bicycle Debacle Continues...

2008-11-13T13:22:00.002Z

Hello Readers and thanks for saving my bacon last night. I'm in too much of rage to go into further details please allow me to fill you in (so to speak).

It really should not be too difficult to purchase a bicycle these days. I have a wad of cash burning a hole in my pocket...either that or one of my gonads is on fire! I revoke my previous comments about on-line bicycle retailers. Sorry about that Winstanley bikes! Maybe I should not have taken my frustration out on these people. I suppose that it is not entirely their fault that a country we import all our products from over seas via container ships. When you see "out of stock" on a webpage that is the image that should enter your mind. A container ship in the middle of the sea, somewhere deep within, the product of your dreams is hidden. Whilst we are on or off the subject those guys who hang out in a disused workshop behind wigan train station did eventually respond to my emails.

My local bike shop (LBS) has let me down. I feel angry and anxious about this matter. Cyclists are contantly reminded by internet discussion forums to support their local bike shops, but what happens if your local bike shop is run by an ecentric buffoon with jellied eels for brains? I would dearly love to post the name of this chap and his fruitless bike shop...but I will resist the temptation. First they told me that the bike I wanted was out of stock, but they would ring the supplier...and it would definately arrive by the 7th. I rang to confirm that this was still the case, but hold on it was now in stock, oh hang on that is a different bicycle altogether, sorry about that! It will not arrive until the 12th. They don't deliver though so I'm told to call at the shop to collect the bike. Also they refused to discuss methods of payment which left me dazed, confused and indifferent. On the 11th, I felt pessemistic about the arrival of this bicycle and gave the shop a quick ring just to make absolutely sure they had actually taken order of the product. Low and behold, it had not arrived. I wanted to discuss the matter, but they were too busy with christmas orders and a shop bustling with customers. They said that they would call me back first thing in the morning! I felt shattered...I've drooled about getting my hands on that particular bike for months...my hopes had been raised and then dashed.

I'm not really sure what criteria is required to define first thing in the morning, but I've done a full mornings work and had my lunch and nobody from the friendly local bike shop has called. I took this matter into my own hands and wrang the manufacturer of the bikes. They gave me the name of a reputable online retailer and I ordered a bike online later the same day. It was over £20.00 cheaper than my local bike shop with free delivery. I just have to wait and see if it actually arrives this time...let hope so because this is the third time I've ordered this item.

All this just ot buy a bicycle...I'm a nervous wreck!

Keith Doughnut

Latest update: my order has changed from pending to processing. That is a very exciting development for an impatient geek like myself.

10 Reasons why you Should Bookmark my Blog

2008-10-30T12:35:00.005Z

Ten superb and interesting reasons why you should add my blog (Keith Doughnut Speaks) to your bookmarks or favourites folder. It's time to stop being a dick and get amongst the blog that stands on the shoulder's of giants. So that it can see the neighbours "spanking" their au pair with an old slipper!

1.Its better than everything else on the entire internet, including flipbook, Spuwie, Space Goggles, Porno Sites, Russian Download Sites, Forums, Forearms, Foreheads and Formic Acid. There is nothing on the internet that tops it. YouPube is the only site that is curly enough to compete with it.

2.Keith Doughnut is unique and literally insane. In the words of advertising slogan writer Murray Walker “Anything can happen and it usually does!”

3.Keith Doughnut needs attention or he goes mute. Adulation [whatever that is] is required or he may fail to speak for months. Then when he does eventually speak all that comes out is half chewed food and spittle.

4.Keith Doughnut is a known to dribble when he speaks. It makes more sense for him to write it all down for you to read. Re-naming the blog Keith Doughnut Writes it all Down (because he spits when he speaks) is possible but unlikely.

5.Keith Doughnut is not fat, unlike most other blogger's who are generally quite large in the middle.

6.Keith Doughnut is fatter than most other blogger's who are generally quite thin due to spending too much time on the internet reading and writing blogs.

7.Keith Doughnut is a liar and a cheat.

8.Keith Doughnut pretends to adore his readers but really he dislikes them all and wishes they would stop reading his blog, leaving inane comments and just go away.

9.Keith Doughnut shakes like a leaf most of the time.

10.Keith Doughnut is fantastic at writing lists.

11.Keith Doughnut can not count! Remember this when he tells you about the stats for his website. Currently getting over 20,000 hits per day. Fame and fortune awaits!

At the moment my top ranking keyword is "spanking" (with quotation marks). You can only imagine the pigs, trolls and lowlife that call by to read my blog. Although all are welcome, some are more welcome than others.

It's getting cold up here on the roof! I'm coming down...

Keith Doughnut

...and don't forget to tell your sister that there is still a golden opportunity to become my first follower!

No Comment

2008-10-29T00:03:00.002Z

Hello Reader/s and thanks for joining me here in this cramped and claustrophobic environment.

Some of you have big blogs with a large fan base. This means you have many loyal readers and friends. You are popular and have made a great impact since joining the blog community. This makes you feel special, worthwhile and wholesome. Your blogs are so impressive that blogspot gives you a cathedral to shout aloud from to your adoring fans. Fame and fortune beckons.

Then there is Keith Doughnut Speaks, a blog that is seen as a blot on the landscape by many. A dismal and unadulterated shambles thrown together by a man who's main asset is his eyebrows. My blog is the product of lazy afternoons asleep on the floor and the side effects of over the counter medications (such as Lemsip original (with aspartame) and a partially consumed orange flavoured medicated cough lozenge. I am a pair of trousers with holes in the knees and covered in strange blotchy patches where some imbecile spilt the anti-freeze. This is possibly why blogspot has given me a 1m x 1m cupboard that smells very slightly of urine and disinfectant. Here we are, crammed in the small damp and dank cupboard that is my blog...it is dark and detrimental to our health. Yet each day we congregate here and discus the events of the day. No matter of the convoluted (what does that word mean Keith) nature of my subjects.

My main topic of the day is really on the comments received or not received. How do you feel when you write a post and get no comments. Does this mean that a post is irrelevent, stupid, hopeless, devoid of any substance, an absolute load of old horse droppings?

Do you ever write a comment and then decide not to post it at the last minute? I do this a lot, because I would not want to upset anyone by being too rude, unthoughtful etc. How do I know they will take my comment in the way that I intended? So this is why I rarely appear in your comments lists.

Just a few thoughts and genuine expressions from Keith Doughnut, a first on my blog. One day, I might even write a proper post just like a real blogger.

Keith Doughnut

A Spare Part in Life's Machine

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

2008-10-27T20:17:00.000Z

Hello Readers, and thanks for bringing tins of fruit, fresh vegetables and surplus food items from your panties, cupboards, and larders. Unfortunately you have mistaken my blog for the Harvest Festival (again).

I have a miserable dirge for you to read and some complete piffle about my forthcoming book. You can read it or just skip this page. Maybe add a comment or just spit at the screen and watch the drool extend into a long frothy river of spittle that gradually rolls slowly down the screen before slowly dripping onto your desk, table or legs.

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

They throw mud at him when he walks down the street,
whilst standing still they fire weapons at his feet,
In the post office they barge him out of the way,
The supermarket staff say that he is gay,
At home respect is not at hand,
Ugly faces are pulled and pants buried in the sand,
Strangers punch him in the balls,
and make disgusting prank phone calls,
but despite all this anguish throughout the weeks,
you can still read his blog called “Keith Doughnut Speaks”

I am a man with a Plan, OK it is a saving plan from the Nat-west (circa 1987) but it is still a plan and that is all it says in the book. [What book?]

If anyone is reading this...(I know you will Frank, otherwise you could not have known about the incident with the horse last Thursday) I have received some rather sad news this week. My “perspective” publisher decided not to publish my book titled “The Joy of Hexagons”. I am obviously devastated by this malicious and stupid behaviour.

For several months these idiots asked for more steam. I filled the entire book with steam. There were clouds of steam everywhere. The main character, a Roman foot soldier called Ikbhar had steam coming from his ears. I've managed to pen one final line to complete the saga, it is slightly tongue in turnip and directed at a certain book publisher with a crooked nose and wonky eyebrows, you know who you are...

“Where is my freakin' book deal” said Ikbhar as he pushed a hand cart of sprouts up the hillside. A cloud of yellow steam filtered over the landscape like an old man's hairstyle.

I'm crying into my cornflakes...

I've got some other stuff to do now so... “MOVE IT, FATTY!”

Keith Doughnut

A Quick Post About My New Banner

2008-10-23T13:26:00.003+01:00

Hello Readers and thanks for helping me paint the bathroom ceiling this afternoon. I could not have managed without your help (honest).

It would be great if you could make me a nice of cup of tea but sadly at this moment in time hot beverages (as far as I am aware) can not be uploaded via the internet. This really is a shame but also, reduces the risk of myself and other tea drinkers contracting botulism from those dirty types who refuse to wash their hands. I'm not suggesting (or ruling out the chance) that any of my faithful and loyal readers are dirty filthy pigs. I currently have no evidence but once those comments start rolling in it might be possible to narrow it all down a little bit, until then I have my suspicions...

Believe it or not, this post is not about botulism or the possibility to drink hot beverages via the internet in the future. This post is just intended as a quick reminder that I have uploaded a new Keith Doughnut Speaks banner. I was really quite lucky to find it on the floor of the bus this morning. Obviously, I've added the words but other than that it was perfect, apart from one small problem. The process of getting this into my computer system has left strange and unidentified stains all over my scanner. I usually clean this device by either rubbing the glass with my t-shirt or if the stains are known to be from my current hot drink, I just lick the glass. I can tell if this is the case as their is usually quite a lot of steam present at the time. yes, my hard drive has lots of accidental scans of my tongue in action and twice I have almost been blinded by accidentally setting the scanner going whilst not wearing my protective welding mask.

all things are relative...but not all things here are relative to anything else. Keep your chins up high. I feel like I'm spitting into the wind whilst walking backwards.

The bike situations is now clear. I don't have one.

Keith Doughnut

Doughnut Features has Calmed Down

2008-10-23T09:11:00.003+01:00

Hello Readers,

I can only apologise for my behaviour yesterday...believe me, I received a very severe spanking when I got home. (I really did!)

I've finally managed to simmer down after the whole on-line bicycle fiasco that unfolded over the last few days. Luckily it was not a folding bicycle that I was looking for because that would have just made matters worse. I could have ended up doubled up in pain or creased up with laughter. Anyway, controversial as it may be, folding bikes, electric bikes and other re-inventions of bikes are just foolish and a waste of time. There is nothing wrong with the conventional bike and it is time that would-be-inventors take their tools out of their hands and stop re-inventing the bicycle. It is not just on-line bicycle shops that turn my mild mannered happy-go-lucky self worth into a complex raging mentalist, who will stop at nothing until justice has been done. Well, I get a bit cross and write it down on my blog for others to admire, admonish or adjourn.

Digital television is great, hundreds of channels showing the same old rubbish interspersed with two and half minutes of advertising every 4 minutes. I ended up watching scrapheap challenge one fine evening and they were having a "special" competition to design a vehicle that went the fastest without using an engine. I noticed that most of the entries were made from dismantled bicycles and involved pedalling the machine and then cruising whilst their additional bizarre mechanisms failed with abject misery. If someone had entered on a standard bicycle they would have taken the top prize (possibly a free bag of horse manure from the local farm) without spending any time whatsoever on their build. A fine example of a waste of time, effort and horse manure.

Enough.

Keith Doughnut

I'm proud to still have zero stalkers enlisted to my mind blowing utterances. It's going to be strange (one day far in the future) to see that number change to 1. It's going to be really creepy when that happens and I have a stalker/follower reading my blog. Perhaps it will never happen, just to be on the safe side, I've avoided SEO and have not told anyone about this blog. It is top secret so that no weird people can find it. If you have encountered the hairy world of Keith Doughnut Speaks please keep it under your hat. Unless of course you have a very high ranking website then you should post an anchor text rich link back to my incredible blog. Let's face it, a few more post like this one and I will be featured in the Gaurdian and probably head hunted by the BBC, ITV and a hoard of other backwater companies with long haired management staff and upside-down furniture. Front bottoms to you and all those who look like you (that is my motto).

Why are my PHP Messages Always Ignored?

2008-10-22T22:55:00.003+01:00

Hello Readers and thanks for coming back, I understand your apprehension after accidentally showering you in spittle last time. Since my gigantic outburst against on-line bicycle retailers I did actually get a response from Winstanley Bikes and they have agreed to cancel my order. The nugget heads at The Bike Outlet didn't bother responding, so I sent them a second message just in case I had entered my email address incorrectly. Once again the message turned a stunning shade of cabbage green to show that my message had been successful. Absolutely nothing...these guys are so stupid.

If only they knew how many bicycles I get through!

I bought my daughter a great bike made by Raleigh. It had a plastic chain guard. Kids (yes even girls) give their bikes one hell of a bashing. The chain guard was always getting damaged and somehow for many months I found ways to reattach the idiotically designed component. In the end, I contacted Raleigh through their recommended method of internet messaging (PHP). I asked them if it was possible to get a replacement chain guard (politely). They just ignored my message. Thanks Raleigh and that's the last bike I will be buying from your “good” selves. In the end, I engineered a new chain guard in my own workshop that works.

So when the choice of getting a new bike came round Raleigh are not considered. The Airlite (road bikes) look like a big load of old horse mud anyway in my opinion. I've got children, so I'm going to be buying bikes continuously for the foreseeable future. That is a lot of business you've thrown away Raleigh, I do hope you make it through the recession!

Another example, Draper tools, sent me a socket set with a socket missing. I contacted them via a PHP internet message and they ignored my request to have one sent out. If those dick-for-brains at draper tools knew how much I spend on tool every year...it is the same story all over again and obviously Draper are on my ever growing list of company's who will not see a penny of my money again. I never forget those who have ignored me... (especially by PHP message box)

I think that perhaps there is a pattern emerging here. These PHP message forms (internet email pages) you know, the one where you fill out your message in a rather small and inadequate box. Why don't they make those boxes bigger? and whilst your making some changes, why not employ someone at the other end to read the messages and send an adequate response?

If only companies knew how this effects their businesses and the overall perception of individual consumers. You can not behave like this these days, not with the Internet's myriad of forums, blogs and social networking sites all waiting for an opportunity to rip you to pieces.

Thanks for reading this absolute dirge of a post but I am a man on a rampage.

Keith Doughnut
Spitting Feathers

So Where's My Freaking Bike? | Winstanley Bike Shop?

2008-10-22T14:18:00.004+01:00

Hello Readers and thanks for coming along for the ride. Actually, that statement is not correct because (as you may or may not already now) my bicycle has been destroyed. Perhaps that is an over dramatic way of describing what has happened to it. The truth is the bottom bracket shredded itself on my last outing and the piece of junk is not worth fixing. Yeah, I've got some tools and the ability to remove and replace the busted bits but it is not cost effective. Instead I have elected to put the cash towards my new bike.

Imagine the excitement that raced through my fat and overly hairy body when I placed an order (via the internet) for a brand new road racer. I could barely breathe, but that is simply because I am asthmatic. A couple of puffs on the old inhaler sorted that problem out! That was on the 8/10/2008. I've not even managed a quick croggy (that's a two up on the same bike for you foreign turnips) up the high street since. I did get an email that said the cretins at Winstanley Bikes had placed an order with their supplier for the bike. The day of arrival has been and gone and still no sign of the freaking bike. These guys really are a bunch of fools - if your planning to buy a bike on-line try someone else. It took them 5 days just to place my order with the supplier. I've since done some research and discovered that they are a bunch of brain dead oily urchins living in a disused shack at the back end of Wigan's train station. Feeling wazzed off with these super un-lubricated idiots I began searching for a suitable retailer to get me back on the road. A quick rummage through the search engine brought Bike Outlet to my attention.

This bunch of mammary induced cycle fanatics seemed to be right up my street. Well not literally...but a few hours away in the town of York. It says on their website that you can ask them a question and they will respond in 10 minutes. I tried this, full of confidence that these guys would be able to sort this matter out. So, I asked them if they could get me this bike and how long it would take, also asked if they could check the chain set and cassette was assembled correctly before despatch and pressed send. The on screen (PHP) message said that I had been successful and to reinforce this success the box turned a beautiful shade of cabbage green. 10 minutes passed, I thought they must be busy, an hour past, I thought they really must be busy or maybe doing some in-depth research into locating my requested product. The entire day has now passed with no correspondence from bike outlet. I really do not like being ignored and will not be able to buy a bicycle for them now. So I am now searching for another bicycle retailer. Maybe one day I will be able to place an order for a bicycle and they will just despatch it with a courier. The next day (or at least at some point afterwards) I could un-package the bicycle and ride it for fitness and exercise and to reduce fuel costs and emissions.

Sadly at the moment this all seems very unlikely. My fitness has already suffered...If my laborious forensic research does not locate a suitable retailer soon, I may have to venture into the world and actually find a bike shop! It will be like the old days when people actually went into shops and spoke to people behind counters. It will be strange and I already feel apprehensive, a man with bad breath will then try and give me sound advice based on over 25 years of experience. In a state of absolute panic and a bid to escape his sales pitch I will be leaving on a heritage cycle with front basket, bell, front and rear dynamo lamps and a fitted pump as standard. It's going to be terrible...

Keith Doughnut

This post has been written by an emotional wreck seeking a brand new bicycle. If you have enjoyed this post or made it this far, keep your eyeballs peeled for my adventure of buying a new computer which has already started very badly (very badly indeed).

The Changing Thymes

2008-10-20T16:33:00.005+01:00

Hello my hairy readers,

...and thanks for tuning in for the next instalment. Firstly, I'm wearing my tightest fitting trousers and I'm hoping that you are doing the same. (In fact, if the truth be told, mine are slightly too tight).

Secondly, I've not made a huge and embarrassing mistake and misspelt the title of this blog post. I believe that I may be one of the first consumers to notice that Tesco have altered, changed and re-designed the shape, label and overall appearance of their thyme containers. I'm not sure whether these small glass vessels are considered to be jars or not. Perhaps they are classed as some type of bottle. In any case, I've thoroughly investigated the new design and after much consideration have reluctantly concluded that they are grotesquely ugly, monstrously repulsive, atrociously despicable, unattractive, unpicturesque and generally displeasing on the eye. To put it another way, I much preferred the old design to the new one. Bob Dylan was right when he sang “The Thymes They are a Changing” I've even supplied a digital image (from my very own kitchen) so that you are fully able to judge this calamitous action for yourself.

Figure 1. The New Monstrously Ugly Thyme Jar Launched Secretly by Tesco is on the left (It has a Square Cap) the old Jar is on the right and can be formerly identified by its round cap.

Personally, I consider these highly political acts by Tesco to be a downgrade of the thyme and other kitchen herbs (and spices) in this range of products or household commodities. To put this into a more legible format they have changed all their herbs and spices containers into these monstrous square jars.

It seems that I have unearthed another important exclusive news story ahead of the much larger news organisations.

Keith Doughnut

Live from my garden shed...

ITV's Sports Coverage is Rubbish

2008-10-16T07:50:00.003+01:00

Hello Readers and thanks for coming along today to witness me spitting feathers about the useless sports coverage provided by ITV. (if your not from the UK this might not make a whole lot of sense but now that you are here you may as well read it anyway! (like myself it is quite short)

I was going to watch the international football (or soccer to some people) highlights of England v Belarus on ITV. The opening credits played and their gimp of a presenter lead us towards the sports footage with a nonchalant grin. I was perturbed to discover that the footage was in the old 4:3 format which makes the picture a small box on a widescreen TV. This made my blood boil. I do not want to watch sport of any description (highlights or live action) in a small box in the centre of my screen with large black borders down either side. I waited to see if they corrected this error before the actual game footage went out, but they didn't and I had to switch it off...

This has happened many times before with ITV and I have made complaints directly to them. I've never seen other channels make this mistake as they obviously stipulate the correct format as part of the contract. ITV probably don't even know if they are buying or broadcasting footage filmed in colour!

These clowns at ITV Sports made a right old fuss when Setanta refused to sell them highlights to Croatia v England (for peanuts) a few weeks ago. Looking at the poor and unsatisfactory way in which ITV are presenting sports highlights of major events they should not be allowed to have them in my view. All England football matches should be added to the list of protected rights and given directly to the BBC (who are not that much better to be honest). ITV have already ruined Formula 1 (Motor Racing) by outbidding the BBC for the rights. They consequently stuffed the live action with advert breaks to cover the cost of their excessive greed. The commentator (James Allen) will now tell me what has happened during a break in a live event that I am actually watching! That's just great, thanks ITV.

In addition ITV have found themselves some of the worst sports presenters since televised sports began. The anchor man for the football highlights (who is not on TV enough to know or remember his name) is absolutely abysmal. I am just astounded that they managed to find a character more camp and clown like than the BBC's Mark Lawrenson.

My message to you ITV Sport, is to broadcast sport properly or not at all. If you are looking at the stats and wondering why few people bothered watching these highlights...you need to read my blog more often.

Keith Doughnut

Do we need to start a "Say NO to ITV Sports " Campaign?

So Your the Weird Sod That Reads My Blog

2008-10-08T22:45:00.003+01:00

Hello Readers and thanks for jumping across the broken fire escape to meet me up here on top of this building.

It is very nice finally discover that some one is reading this page. Still my stalkers count is quite low and only two pairs of underpants have been posted through my letter box this week. Now, all the shenanigans with my old blog have been dealt with and we can sweep all that old stuff up and throw it away, or add it to some soup as a thickener. This week my bottom bracket broke (what the heck is that...I hear you cry). My bicycle has seen better days so I've ordered a new one on the good old internet. Meanwhile I'm getting fat.

Oh yeah...my carrots are ready. (what carrots?) I've grown a load of carrots in some lengths of drain pipe as an experiment. Now they are reet fat (like me) and I've been eating the organic orange vegetables for my tea.

My chest infection has flared up. I'm asthmatic, eratic and currently trapped in my neighbours attic. HELP ME!

Kind regards

Keith Doughnut

I've Sneaked Out...

2008-09-30T22:57:00.002+01:00

Hello Readers,

It looks like the people who pertained to be my friends on blog uk were just fellow bloggers looking for somewhere to comment and be commented on. It's a merry-go-round where these communities just drag you in. The worst thing about this community is that all those merry people happily writting their "free" blogs are just spinning up a whole heap of adsense money for the site owners.

Oh aye, and I was mostly unhappy about the way in which the ages of the members is displayed. If you want to find a person of a certain age and then read about their daily life events this is the place to go hang out. This is just a disaster waiting to happen...they need to bin this part of the community.

Although my blog was just some light-hearted tomfoolery I found this too much to accept from a happy go lucky chap just wanting to write down some nonsense. It doesn't matter what I right in this paragraph, nobody is reading this page. If I was to add that Tony Hart's legs are waxed with chip fat nobody would notice.

The only thought going through my mind these days is that David Gilmour seems to have found god. His guitaring is as good as ever but his own songs are sloppier than pigs mud. Roger Waters had a real knack for turning out thought provoking material. Gilmour has descended into a moon-faced wailing sandal-wearing deciple. This is very dissappointing because when he plays the old pink floyd material he is spot on. How can someone with that much talent become so watered down and tepid when left to their own devices? It is sad news indeed that Rick Wright has joined Syd Barrett and gone to the giant flying pig in the sky.

I'm thinking about writing an a new blog about biscuits.

Keith Doughnut
Mooning at the Moon

Where did he go and why?

2008-09-24T08:06:00.003+01:00

Hello Readers,

This is just a short post to explain why I have just deleted my original blog hosted on Blog UK. Well, to be honest I just felt like removing it from the public domain. Few people read or commented on my last handful of posts.

It had run it's course...

Now Keith Doughnut can only be found here on blogspot. If you've googled me...thanks for tuning-in. If you haven't how the heck did you find yourself here on my blog?

For comments...click "Knee-Jerks" below. (I will have to remember how to change that back)

Cheers big ears

Keith Doughnut
Inventor of the Hot Cheese Gum and Tongue Guard

Winston Churchill's Cigar

2008-05-27T18:15:00.003+01:00

Hello Nosy,

Actually, you may regret poking your nose into my blog this merry day. This is because I have descended into a dirty place for the topic of this post. This all happened quite by accident and I would like to assure you that I am not a dirty person nor do I have any interest in scatology of any kind. I was in two minds whether to post this today but in the end I have nothing else on my mind to share. I do hope that nobody takes offence at the content of this post. In the past I have been physically assaulted in the street for posting absolute tosh. I am fairly sure that this post will not fall into this category and I will not be lamped in the nuts on my way to work today.

If anybody has progressed to this second paragraph then it must be safe for me to continue. Allow me to start at the beginning. I was walking through my local park listening to the birds singing in the trees and enjoying the fairly average weather conditions. I was in a jolly frame of mind and enjoying my stroll immensely. I had walked the complete circuit through the park, around a large pond and was about to leave via a double tier of steps with ornate statues at either side. It was at this point that something quite bizarre caught my eye and took my full attention.
Now you might think that this is the usual kind of thing that you see down the park. A lady jogging without a bra or even a small group of 20 something girls wrestling on the grass in their micro skirts and skimpy tops. I would have thought that both scenarios would have made for a better photograph but what I saw simply defied belief. I have included photographic evidence but please be warned this is an extremely dirty image that may induce vomiting in some people.

It is a length of dogs doings that I believe resembles almost exactly one of Winston Churchill's Cigars. Have you ever seen anything like it? I was just astounded and spent several hours observing the dung-lump. In the end, I had to leave before the temptation to lift the dog mud to my mouth whilst giving an uplifting and morale boasting speech befell my dumbfounded mind. What do you think about this?

Winston Churchill's Cigar – taken by Keith Doughnut May, 2008. (Click to Enlarge)

You can almost smell it can't you?

Keith Doughnut

The Hunt for Keith's Gold Teeth

2008-05-24T15:04:00.001+01:00

Hello Reader,

In this post I promise to astound you twice. If you were to venture to a supermarket or hospital car park this very day, you are likely to discover a strange man sitting alone in his vehicle. Perhaps this man has wild hair, a partial beard, spots and warts, no neck, inverted eyebrows and crooked goofy teeth. If you discover that this man has the radio tuned to Talksport and is frantically writing to a laptop computer then the chances are that you have just located Keith Doughnut!

In actually fact I could actually be editing this very post that you are reading now. For example if this sentence was to contain a phrase about the upper section of my household mop bucket, I would probably remove it at some stage for being irrelevant. (no it is not an elephant!). However you have read this post before I made any changes. This is why this utterly stupid paragraph remains in this post rendering us both idiots. I am an idiot for writing it and you are an idiot for reading it. Actually I am a double whopper and cheese of an idiot because I wrote it and then proof read it before posting it, on doing so I read it again. Lets face it, if you have continued reading this post this far you must be missing a few marbles.

Well this post was supposed to be about something interesting but I have now forgotten the original idea. Instead I have written another load of tosh and piffle, but I doubt that anyone will notice (or care). The upper section of my mop bucket is great when mopping but the rest of time it obstructs the opening into the bucket. This makes using the mop bucket for other household tasks more difficult.

Thanks for inspecting my chamber!

Keith Doughnut

Doughnut Engaged in Banana War

2008-05-22T22:52:00.008+01:00

Hello Readers

(Plural. This blog now averages 2 visits a week – not including myself)

It seems that this blog is now growing rather quickly, a bit like my belly. Please do not write to me asking if I am the same Keith Doughnut shown on BBC local news trapped in a phone box. That was quite clearly a different Keith Doughnut who looked nothing like me. Now that we have cleared up that matter let us get to grips with the major problem that is sweeping across the UK, and possibly the rest of the world too. I am not messing about any more, this is the real nitty-gritty that is absent from most high profile blogs.

The problem is self-peeling bananas (see image) This is costing me a fortune in wasted bananas because they are unzipping themselves before I am ready to eat them. If I force down the bananas before I am ready I could end up taking on board far too much dietary fibre resulting in a nasty accident (so to speak). Also the bananas that unravel themselves do not look right. They are not quite as yellow on the outside (I call that the skin, and usually discard it, unless I am very hungry indeed). I feel some degree of apprehension when faced with a banana that has unwrapped itself. I do not want a good piece of fruit to go to waste when there are starving people in this world, but on the other hand, I do not want to contract botulism or some other severe disease or illness from the fruit either. I mean what if someone has spat in the gap or done something really dirty to the contents without my knowledge. Like prodding it with a rusty spoon or something (what did you think I meant?) My local butcher was once arrested for a similar crime in 2001, although this crime was not related to bananas in any way.

I have thought about writing to my supermarket about this problem but fear that my concerns would not be taken seriously. Supermarkets make an allowance for 4-8 % of their customers to be totally insane (like extremist, environmentalists etc) and they have a big fob-brush that they use to fob us off with. It is rumoured that the fob-brush (not to be confused with a bog brush) has bristles made from the pubic hairs of Johnny Ball.

In the end I went totally crazy and have written to my local MP about the problem of self peeling bananas. So far I have not heard anything more about it. Do not fear my hippy friends I will sort this out and we will be eating good old sunset yellow stubborn-skinned bananas before you know it.

Keith Doughnut

Remember that I am now fighting the Banana War (on your behalf)

A Pear of Bottoms

2008-05-19T17:19:00.010+01:00

Hello Reader (you smell of minty chews today!)

I am Keith Doughnut - self elected fountain of knowledge and handsome lexicon of the interweb's stratosphere. It is here on this website where you will find everything that you least expected. Today I bring you a photographic image from my very own dinner table.

Earlier today (19th May 2008), I purchased some rather unusual pears from my local supermarket. The product has been specially imported from Africa and I was delighted and rather excited when I discovered them. The African pears are called Forelle and according to the small purple fruit sticker have been given the four digit code of 4418. It also states on the sticker that this particular piece of fruit is best enjoyed firm. On arrival back at my mansion I inspected the fruit more closely in the leisurely surroundings of my kitchen.

It was during this post purchase inspection that I discovered that one of the fruits when viewed at a particular angle resembled a pair of buttocks. It was difficult to contain this information and it was not long before I had shared this knowledge with my children who laughed loudly and uncontrollably for a sustained period of time. It is for this reason that I have gone to the trouble of uploading a photograph of the bottom-like fruit for your enjoyment.

Looking in your big brown eye!

BTW - We have now eaten this fruit and all agreed that it was rather pleasant. It has a crunchy texture more akin to an apple but the subtle and less tart flavour of a pear. As stated on the sticker and similar to bottoms they are indeed best enjoyed firm. Happy Munching.

Keith Doughnut

The Thickset

2008-05-18T11:19:00.004+01:00

Hello Reader

This blog has only ever been read by myself, you and a Dutch prostitute called Lola. Together we have embraced the joy that is Keith Doughnut Speaks. Sadly when Keith Doughnut speaks (that is me by the way) a small amount of spittle emerges with certain sounds. This means that when speaking to people who I know they tend to duck during the conversation. People who I don't know (strangers) have a tendency to thump me in the groin or facial region. This week I had to give a special and important presentation to a large audience of people. Like most of us the prospect of this made me nervous and my concern begin to grow about accidentally phlegging all over the unsuspecting assembly of folks. The problem appears to worsen with anxiety and I had a dream that my audience become totally drenched in a tidal wave of tepid saliva.

I spoke to several people who reassured me that the speech would be OK and it was natural to be nervous. As I suspected they were very wrong and the presentation was a complete disaster. To dry my mouth I tried to eat lots of cream cracker biscuits known to absorb all the saliva in the mouth. This technique worked, but I was called on to the stage with a mouth full of half ingested crackers. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak I showered everyone in the front row/s with my half-chewed gob fodder. I was asked to stand down and assaulted by an angry mob on my way home afterwards. I do not want to go into graphic details of the assault but I think it was what some people call a snuggy or wedgy. I am sure we are all familiar with this terminology and therefore the deep pain that I suffered from this unprovoked attack. You would have thought that senior citizens would behave better than this wouldn't you?

What really made my day worse was the fact that someone has posted a photograph of their genitalia through my letter box. To see this unsightly (and rather shrivelled) image on my arrival home turned my stomach upside down and I spent most of the evening in the cupboard under the stairs.

I hope for a happier day tomorrow.

Keith Doughnut

Me and My Big Nose

2008-05-18T00:24:00.004+01:00

Hey There Cowboy!

Welcome to the only blog on the internet that smells of deep fried dog-mud
My name is Keith Doughnut and I am several inches taller than you. Now you might be wondering how you came to be with this nutty ...nutty ...nutty man! I can only assume that you were surfing the inter-web and typed in a really obscure phrase like "deep fried dog-mud" or you're the crazy troll that reads all my work and sends me pairs of underpants in the post. If you are the crazy sod that sends all the weird stuff please can you remember that I am not really as fat as you think, I have a 32 inch waste (medium). The last pack of boxer shorts you sent me would have fitted a horse, and I can prove this because I took them to a paddock up the road owned by a local riding school where "Blossom" tried them on. Now, they were a little bit snug but I think that I have made my point.

Please just stop it...

I have no idea how you people gained access to my home address in the first place. The brochures were very interesting Geoff, but I have no real interest in the artificial insemination of farmyard animals.

Since my last post I have been punched twice in the gonads by total strangers. The first time was just as I was leaving work just before I got to my car and the second time was just after gaining entrance to Dixons electrical store to return a defective kettle. This is actually below the weekly average for me and hopefully I can keep it this way.

Thanks for dropping by my office. Sadly I have written another post of complete and utter nonsense that will benefit nobody and his three brothers. Once again accept my gratitude for being here to witness how much I have burnt the toast and slipped in the biggest pavement pizza ever measured by human limbs.

Keith Doughnut

A man with one eye on the fire escape!

Breaking News | Queen Chokes to Death on Fig Roll

2008-05-15T18:13:00.008+01:00

Hello Reader you will (probably) be safe here!

You may have spent the entire day wondering what the heck Keith Doughnut has been doing. In the end the need to know became too much of a burden to carry on your shoulders. This is why you are here despite your partner and children screaming for their dinner, the dog is going nuts because he wants a walk and the meter man is ringing your doorbell to take a reading, yet you are here on my website reading this post!

Therefore I will rapidly put your misery to the sword and reveal what I spent the day doing. It is this creative sticker (see image below) that you can place on any door. Cupboards, Cars, Toilets etc. If for some reason you do not see the image below I will tell you what is written on it.

In the event of a disaster please remove this door and wear it on your back for protection

Try adding one to your grandmothers freezer or on all the doors in your place of work. Slap them on all the cupboards, cars, buses, people, animals or anywhere else you can think of. The only problem you need to solve is how to make them stick. Try some type of adhesive or print them on special "sticker" paper.

You can place these stickers everywhere (or anywhere) and if you are really lucky(I wasn't) you might even get away without getting beaten up by your colleagues.

Cheers for visiting my quarry.

Keith Doughnut

Welcome to Keith Doughnut Speaks...

2008-05-14T22:47:00.003+01:00

Hello Reader and thanks for joining me here today.

My name is Keith Doughnut and your name is probably something else (like Jack, Ted, Rose etc) I don't know what your name is...unless of course you tell me it. I am not a telepathic person but one of my ears does look very similar to a SKY satellite dish. This is because I burnt one side of my head when tossing a pancake and accidentally lobbed the frying pan as well. I recently had some problems with my garden fork. I wrote about this extensively on another website (blog UK) but I'm low on ideas and like to recycle.

Have you ever licked the side of a bus? me too...

So yeah...I'm fat, lazy and hairy but you can just call me Keith Doughnut. (some people do)

I'm thinking about buying some new trousers at the moment but cannot decide which shade of dull grey to purchase. In fact I might just go for the brown ones so that I can roll around on the ground in my lunch break.

If you have ever read any of my previous dribble-wazz you will be unreliably informed that I am currently making a film for YouTube. It is a film of myself (Keith Doughnut Snr.) grating cheese. I have had some very positive feed back so far and of course been called a s***head by several people as well, including my parents, missus and my robot.

If life was an aroma what would it smell like? Bottoms, tomato plants, Kestrel droppings? There is no answer, I just thought I would throw it in there because I have run out of things to say.

Thanks for visiting my factory.

Keith Doughnut