Short Curly Hairs in Your Spam, Mame?

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "No Comment":

Does anyone know how to get rid of the Adobe license agreement that keeps popping up on our computer screen?XML formatting using XSL?I want to make a word processor....Any tips or help?Macromedia Dreamweaver MX Design View Problem.?
Fallow me on blogspot.com? refluks żółciowy Why does Wikipedia call me a fictional rapper?problem in scanning using canon mp198?help with retun of something i brought please...?Downloading t.v. shows on itunes?what is the best software to use to create avi files?Are thin client applications required to run as web-based applications?what do i do if my i pad is in recovery? dieta przy refluksie Dicksuckers żołądkowo przełykowy zapalenie żołądka leczenie which open source is easy to install? (other than freebsd, minix 3, ubuntu, mandriva, pclinux and fedora)?How can I insert right to left multilevel numbering in word 2010?good entertainment laptop 300$down financing?Taskbar icons dissapear!?[/url] [url=http://dicksuckers.com/free-forum.html]choroba refluksowa przełyku[/url]
Why do some people like the windows UAC and other people not?unblocked drains and sent emails?Can homo squad fix fan issue on my VAIO VGN-CS320J? [url=http://dicksuckers.pl]Dicksuckers[/url] Will this router work with sky broadband?I need to download a video from Fannymagnets.com. How can I do this?Boot into Google Chrome OS?

Once again this curious fellow under the alias of anonymous has posted us with some delightful insights of his higher intelligence. It has to be the work of a being with higher intelligence because I am not educated to a high enough level to understand what it all means. An example is the term Fallow Me on Blogspot.com? I know of the agricultural term to leave land fallow, meaning to leave it ploughed but not worked down to a seedbed and sown with a crop. How would one do this to someone on blogspot? The dictionary reveals more meanings of the word fallow. Inactive, a fallow period - again not really a method of interaction between bloggers. In regard to a sow (which is a female pig) it can mean not pregnant. In my time as a blogger I have to my knowledge not impregnated other bloggers but it is not something that I would rule out completely at this stage. However in this statement it would imply that anonymous is not an expectant female pig.  A further derivative of the word fallow can be used as a synonym for the word leave. This would imply that we should leave anonymous on blogspot. This is a sentiment that I agree with but doubt that this was the intended by the writings of this higher being.  In my dictionary there is a second meaning for the word fallow. Excitement rushed through my veins like draining rods. However this state of emotion was short lived as the word also means  a pale brown (or reddish brown) colour. Perhaps our anonymous friend has fallowed through and left this colour stains in his underpants!

We laugh at this character once again. Why does he persist? Why do I?

All comments welcome - please explain yourself fully.

Goodbye and be careful what you eat!

Keith Doughnut

# I changed a couple of words in the original message and removed the links. 

How does the XFree86 server differ from the X.org server

What areLinux X Servers?

Simon Cowell and all those other non-celebrity cretins wouldn't know the X factor if it appeared on screen in a blur of vignette lines amid a halo of highly charged static particles. Mulder and Scully never really shed much light on the X-files either. There tension grabbing antics never really translated to the small screen of a grey 12 inch CRT monitor. Skulls were often crunched but numbers and integers where left to their own devices. X men,XXX films and Austrailian lager (brewed in the UK) that clearly states that they don't give a (four X),  XXXX about anything else. Clothing used to arrive in Small, Medium and Large. Instead of adding Huge, Obese and Morbidly Obese, those mothertrucking sales and marketing divas added XL, XXL and XXXL. If you'are bigger than that you don't need clothes because you are staying indoors.

So what the hell is X? It is simply a program.

to be continued...

The Spam Appreciation Society

Welcome to Keith Doughnut Speaks.

A genuine blog by a real person. I state this because in the medlam of modern life, some buffoon with a face like an old lady's muff keeps posting their finest spam offerings in the comments.

I can't help it, the spam filter sends me the spam, I read it, digest it and when I've stopped laughing at, usually leave it there going cold and stale in the trash can [or dustbin for anyone from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and/or Ireland]

If the spam reaches a level of absurdity that defies belief, I take out all the URLS and any other code, and then re-post it with my own made up web address instead. See the utterly shit example below - a genuine example of the utter toss that some cretin has created using their wives pants as a stencil.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "HSBC Blocked My Credit Card":

Hi everyone at keithdoughnut.blogspot.com
including headsets, gps, electronics, charts, maps, kneeboards, flight bags,
companies with wholesale industrial products, equipment materials, and supplies.
National supplier of polyethylene bags and PE film for packaging, shipping
Industrial assembly services utilize bonding adhesive materials and liquid
Links to manufacturers, and suppliers of new and used wine making equipment.
 
http://ishaggedapig.co.cc/thenwrotethiswithmydick.com

what a load of...


I'm bored of writing this now and the stupid italic thing keeps coming on...fanny batter


Keith Doughnut
Spam Vomit Police Squad [SVPS] and Square Bracket User

The Fat Edge of the Wedge

Ramble Session ON/OFF

Hello Reader of Blogs,

I've seen things, like a dustbin lid floating around in the sea, a man with sellotape all over his face, a cheeseburger with one bite taken out on the floor of a bus and a potato peeler on the supermarket floor. I've read all the stickers and manufacturers information panels on the dentist chair. I know the sizes and dimensions of most popular rivets and other types of popular fixings. When the bread machine is on - you don't have to hide in the cupboard. Great lyrics.

So when I say I've seen things, you have to believe me...although perhaps these are not the sort of things you thought that I meant in the beginning. Luckily, this is the middle (or upper middle). I've never written the script for a horror film, but if I did, it would definitely contain a scene with a severed Giant's toe landing in populated area causing some people to scream and others to lose their appetites (in all senses). Why is there is always something on the floor of the bus, you don't know what it is, but it smells horrible, looks all dark and sticky and always just where you would find it most comfortable to rest your feet. Why do always notice this just before getting off the bus?

I don't know what else to say. Sometimes it is better not to say anything at all. If you are called Nikolas this applies double [do you hear me]. Now that the Spanish Lords are gone, and the estate smells fresher than a double haddock and turnip cake, I feel refreshed and clean. There is gravel in my underpants, as their should be, and nobody says otherwise. If I could be any object in the world, a plimsolls would clearly be low down on the list, not bottom - that would probably be a bottom!

Several times a year, I find it enjoyable to run down the street shouting "they're coming, THEY'RE COMING.." to see if anyone joins in. Usually ends up with me and couple of other freaks getting beaten up by the local yobs. Great fun, but quite painful.

Well, thanks for stopping by and reading this shit.

Keith Doughnut

Another Day at the Dole Office

Hello follow humans, pigs, trees, furniture and political activists.

Today, I'm angry and also very relaxed at the same time. How can this be? Well it is like a submerged pair of trousers really. The same way that a bicycle without wheels grinds to a halt or the build up of electrical static charges holding a hat onto a bald man's head. These are just the basics really similar to the breakdown of a domestic water bill. Perhaps the surface water charge is too high. Obviously static energy is affected by gender, age or follicle thickness of the subject/agent. In this case an ambeint beef sandwich was divided into the left and right pockets equally. This was achieved by cutting/ripping the sandwich in half.

Some people say that what I write about here is simple and some type of babble. This hypothesis is actually correct but often not evident until afterwards. Perhaps on the train or the bus when activity in the frontal lobe is increased due to Blue Perm Syndrome (BPS) and Active Leg Friction (ALF). These are typical variations of the same theory and when placed along side what is already known about shoes salespersons, makes for very interesting reading. I suggested this at a conference earlier this year and was physically laughed out of the room. It is a dichotomous injustice that some people believe that trousers can not be nostalgic or purple.

If fashion and science can not be pummelled into an equilibrium of dark matter then where can we stand during the riot. I doubt that even a seagull would know which way to fly if these events occurred. Perhaps it would be similar to being turned upside down in the drum of an overloaded washing machine of soiled underpants. If this is what we are currently facing, and it looks that way, then it may be time to seek remedial action.

I'm talking about prevention. If we can prevent this and maybe other things as well then it may be possible to stop this getting out of hand. They often say that prevention is better than a cure but I disagree entirely. In this case it would be much more reassuring to have a cure than see a man in a day-glow jacket waving his silly short arms at me.

None of this would ever have happened if Scargill had been re-elected. There is no contingency plan for the green grocer who finds his most popular oranges devastated by citrus bore weevil. The customer is denied access. The fruit-man denied return on his investment, time and energy and in addition burden of discarding the remnants of pith.

There is little more to be stated on this matter apart from not reading too much into the arthritic conditions of lockjaw whilst waiting for the traffic lights to change.

Keith Doughnut
Making A Stand Against Everything

Is Mark Lawrenson on Twitter?

The answer is probably no...but there is someone on there that smells like him.

The Joy of Hexagons

Hello Readers

...and thanks for bringing tins of fruit, fresh vegetables and surplus food items from your pantries, cupboards, and larders. Unfortunately you have mistaken my blog for the Harvest Festival (again).

I have a miserable dirge for you to read and some complete piffle about my forthcoming book. You can read it or just skip this page. Maybe add a comment or just spit at the screen and watch the drool extend into a long frothy river of spittle that gradually rolls slowly down the screen before slowly dripping onto your desk, table or legs.

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

They throw mud at him when he walks down the street,
whilst standing still they fire weapons at his feet,
In the post office they barge him out of the way,
The supermarket staff say that he is gay,
At home respect is not at hand,
Ugly faces are pulled and pants buried in the sand,
Strangers punch him in the balls,
and make disgusting prank phone calls,
but despite all this anguish throughout the weeks,
you can still read his blog called “Keith Doughnut Speaks”

I am a man with a Plan, OK it is a saving plan from the Nat-west (circa 1987) but it is still a plan and that is all it says in the book. [What book?]

If anyone is reading this...(I know you will Frank, otherwise you could not have known about the incident with the horse last Thursday) I have received some rather sad news this week. My “perspective” publisher decided not to publish my book titled “The Joy of Hexagons”. I am obviously devastated by this malicious and stupid behaviour.

For several months these idiots asked for more steam. I filled the entire book with steam. There were clouds of steam everywhere. The main character, a Roman foot soldier called Ikbhar had steam coming from his ears. I've managed to pen one final line to complete the saga, it is slightly tongue in turnip and directed at a certain book publisher with a crooked nose and wonky eyebrows, you know who you are...

“Where is my freakin' book deal” said Ikbhar as he pushed a hand cart of sprouts up the hillside. His bladder was full to bursting and he ventured behind a large tree. After a short time a dense cloud of steam billowed over the landscape like an old man's hairstyle.

I'm crying into my cornflakes...

I've got some other stuff to do now so... “MOVE IT, FATTY!”

Keith Doughnut

How to Stop Content and Article Thieves

Is there a proper name for internet article and content thieves? These are the people who troll around the internet stealing copyrighted work from websites. I firmly believe that they are the lowest of the low and have as yet, not discovered a name that is anywhere near nasty enough to label them. I was very surprised indeed when a scrotum-faced thief turned up here and stole one of my blog posts. They removed my salutation from the beginning and deleted my byline from the terminal end then simply (and probably nonchalantly copied the rest of the post. In case this sad individual come back for more I’ve ensured that all my posts are rubbish, badly written and filled with mudcakes (sorry I meant mistakes). Please note that this post belongs to Keith Doughnut so keep your filthy hands of it.

Have you ever seen anything quite as stupid – it is totally beyond my comprehension why this imbecile wants a single blog post for their crappy MFA blog. Although this website is not about making money online I know a few things about the subject. There are certainly some practices to avoid such as stealing other peoples copyrighted work. Duplicate content is definitely frowned upon by Google.

I didn’t think that this smelly content thief would want to publish the comment I made on his ITV Sports website (whatever that is meant to be!). I took the opportunity to take a quick screen grab in case he decides to delete my words of wisdom during the moderation process. I realised that I’m probably one of the few people left who still calls a screen capture a “grab”. It is clearly a much better term or phrase for this type of procedure. Here is what I wrote on this greasy spivs website in response to him stealing my blog content. (like the tattoo on my genitals it says click to enlarge on the underside)

Figure 1. (yeah, I know this is not a school text book) A Screen Grab of my comment to the content thief (Click to enlarge).

This blog is really intended as bit of a scribble pad. The idea is to freely write a whole load of absolute nonsense. This frees up space in my mind which I then use to write my real articles and internet content. In my opinion this website serves a purpose and is essential to my other writing commitments. It also assists me by allowing me to write quickly without any restraints. I do not use SEO or any link building to get traffic. There is no optimisation for google and no adsense adverts. If people come here and don’t like what I have written I just don’t give a monkeys tonsil.

I hope that this post helps explain my newly added and slightly acidic copyright statement.

Keith Doughnut
Fighting Crime

Things Just Aint What They Used to Be!

In the salad days of my youth the streets were not lined with gold. Instead they were littered with dogs mud and fizzy drink cans (also known as fizzy pop by strange people). Walking on the pavements in those days was a real challenge. It was not a task for the faint of heart or those with extra wide feet. You need dexterity and 20-20 vision to avoid what was known locally as the tread of dread.

Please excuse me whilst a go into a separate rant about shoe designers. Why do they always make the tread of shoes so complex. It is almost impossible to get dog dirt from one of these complex patterns. I've tried following all those mazy patterns round with a stick, a knife blade (not from the kitchen draw) and even a specially adapted cotton bud. It really does make my blood boil and on one occasion recently I simply threw the shoes away still caked in the little sausages from a little sausage dog. High pressure hose pipes do a great job but the shoes get wet and also the water splashes me in the face and mouth. This always leaves me paranoid that I may have contracted some form of botulism. (well it was a sausage dog after all). Another idea was to wear shoes with smooth soles but I slipped on a wet floor in the public toilets and injured my knee.

This post is of course lamenting the loss of pavement skills required to walk safely on the busy streets of English towns. New legislation has removed the huge amounts of dogs waste from the pavements. Most see this as a good thing but they have not thought this through. Yobs never used to hang out on the street corner when I was younger. This is because Mr Edwards Labrador from number 16 used to do his business around there. Nobody in the right mind would want to spend an evening standing next his steaming brown memorials. You certainly would not want to lose one of your trainers in there. In the past you needed skills and hawk like vision to survive on the streets. Now with much more isolated dollops walkers have become nonchalant and complacent. A dangerous sense of security has soaked into their subconscious. Under these modern conditions an innocent walker is much more likely not to spot a huge mound and steam straight into it. {{{SPLAT}}}

Another problem that we face today is the dog poo scooper. It is all well and good removing the dog dirt from the pavement, but when I am walking and eating a cereal bar I don't like to see a fat person bent over. It is even worse if I can see them actually manipulating the lumps into those horrible little green bags. I just hate to see people carrying those small bags around with them whilst I am walking. Where do those small bags of dog excrement end up? Well I see them in trees quite often! most of it goes in the ground where the pathogens can happily multiply - real nice idea.

I think that the modern man...when in their youth (also known as chavs) like to wear hooded tops and baseball caps. They have no peripheral vision and are at a great risk of landing the top prize in the weekly doggy-do lottery. Personally I used to enjoy all the streets could throw at me. The new regulations that keep pavements tidy of dog mess have robbed me of this daily challenge. To get home knowing that you have avoided all hazards, leaving them intact for your greatest enemies, is one of the greatest sensations in the world. The next day when you see that someone has taken the top layer off the brown-mountain your spirits just soar.

I think that this matter needs to be investigated. Sent a letter to my local MP. (no reply)

Keith Doughnut
(Addressing the real issues of broken Britain)

Shoe Shop Assistant Spat in my Shoes

Never let it be said that I am a fat and paranoid middle aged man! I want to share with you some astonishing findings. I have long held a suspicion that people who work in shoe shops spit in the shoes. Whilst you patiently (or anxiously for some people) wait for the shop assistant to emerge from the stock room. Unbeknown to the customer they are secretly spitting into the shoes, maybe just a small amount (known as a dribble). This would explain the rye expression given as you insert your foot into the shoe. Do not be fooled by the packaging which is used to cover this disgusting behaviour. This is just a suspicion at the moment in that I have no actual evidence. The wet patch on my socks is always dry by the time that I get home. I have a friend that is a dentist and he believes and backs my theory. This is what Alf had to say yesterday afternoon when I called him at the surgery.

Keith: “Hello Alf, its Keith”
Alf: “Keith who?”
Keith: “Doughnut…”
(Long pause)

Alf: “What do you want Keith?”
Keith: “I have a suspicion that shoe shop assistants have been spitting in shoes before I try them on (my feet). I wondered…
(Interrupted)
Alf: “You’re probably right Keith, but I’ve got to go because someone is trying to steal my car!” Bye.
(Call ended – abruptly)

Later I managed to find Alf’s car parked outside the Dental Practice where he works. Luckily the receptionist was able to make me an appointment and I was able to continue my conversation with Alf. Sadly, Alf was not very talkative (perhaps the pressure of work) and conversing was difficult with his fingers and dental instrument in my mouth. This was an oversight on my part and also involved some very painful treatment to one of my molars. This is really the extent of my investigation so far. It is a difficult situation because I need solid proof before reporting it to the relevant authority. In fact I have no knowledge of who the governing body or ombudsman is for the retail shoe industry. I have written a brief (no not about my briefs) email to the BBC’s Watchdog television programme but they have so far failed to reply. In the email I recommended making a new series called B-rogue Retailers.

It’s going to be a while before my shoes need replacing so it is going to be difficult to prove my theory (unless they are stolen). I feel a bit like Charles Darwin at the moment, when he discovered the theory of evolution nobody believed him either. The only thread of hope at the moment is that a local science student has offered to carry out DNA testing on my socks the next time this happens. If you have ever had a similar incident when buying shoes (or boots) please join my campaign to make shoe shop assistants wear a spit-proof muzzle at all times.

Keith Doughnut

Digital Asset Management

Hello Readers

I have continued my fight with Mesh with little success so far apart from the fact they have eventually taken the PC back to their factory. I'm actually writing this post with a ZX spectrum 48K. Well actually, it's just lucky that my current PC has kept running...it makes some very peculiar sounds from time to time though. My plan of building a new PC is now on the back burner so to speak. The credit crunch has forced me into making some drastic changes. Humour blogs are great fun and we all like them eh...oh well I like them anyway!

Sadly this blog is just a pile of old trousers with some turnips on the top. I've decided to delete the whole thing and start again. Keith Doughnut is turning over a new fig leaf and starting a venture into digital asset management. Now you might be wondering what a digital asset actually is? If so, allow fat Keith to explain. If you have a computer filled with files these could be classed as documents or digital assets. The files are kept in a repository (all in the same place). To keep track of all the files so that you can find specific data you need either document management software or digital asset management software. There are some software programmes that will do both but not usually as well as specific software for each type of files. It is all about quick acess to digital data. It seems that digital asset management is big business in the world of big business (not dogs business - thats different).

So there you have it...I will now be looking into all aspects of digital asset management tools and systems and writing detailed articles oin the subject. It all began when trying to locate specific digital files on my over filled hard drive. Digital assets can be any type of file including music or sound files such as .wav or .mp3, digital images (or photographs) and illustrations, media (including video clips), slideshows, powerpoint presentations. The main point is that all this important data needs to be managed by applying the correct software solution.

That's me my teas ready...thanks for visiting - its all a little too late but I appreciate you dropping by, thankfully you have landed on my best page. The last page of the last chapter. Please closs the door on your way out.

Cheers (big ears)

Keith Doughnut
Guru of Digital Asset Management (and no mistake)

Mesh Computer Fiasco Continues

hello, I'm Keith Doughnut!

I seem to have the most unfortunate luck with electronics, well actually not just with electronics with everything else as well. My life is similar to a giant “turnip of woe” drifting through outer-space looking for unusual flavours of jam!

I’ve found fame on several occasions in the past but each time my moment in the sun was short lived. This is fine with me because my face turns very red in the sun anyway and to be honest I dislike it when people mistake me for a beetroot. So here we are having a nice chat about which flavour of pot noodle is the best…no that wasn’t it, it was my computer fiasco.

I am now officially involved with a dispute. This means that I have to write lots of important letters to people using fancy words in place of profanity. These letters have to be sent by recorded post so that the recipients at the other end can not just hide in the under-stairs cupboard. I could do this though, if of course I didn’t live in a bungalow. I have tried to get in the cupboard under the sink instead but injured my head on the under-sink plumbing. In addition, I’ve also accidentally licked the outflow pipe from the washing machine and spent several days convinced that I had contracted botulism or typhoid.

I feel quite stressed and anxious about this computer fiasco which is worse by a country mile than the bicycle debacle that preceded it. I’m starting to wonder if buying products at distance is worth the trouble. The foolish pimple faced underpant sniffing gimps at Mesh Computers have caused me to feel quite low going into the New Year. I can’t help imagine some Spotty-Herbert stoned from the night before throwing a computer together with complete nonchalance.

It’s very cold here today.

There is a limit of how much toilet paper that a u-bend can accommodate in one flush. I have included this information in the documentation to my credit card company in the hope that can intervene in my dispute and get my refund sorted out. It was a close thing yesterday…you know when the tide rises almost to the top of the bowl but then suddenly just as you think “oh no” the level suddenly dropped again. If I had used one more sheet of bog-paper we would have needed to get the plunger involved. I omitted this information from my letters to the credit card company but may send it to Mesh Computers later (when the dispute is over) for my own entertainment. Much like the day I spent last week crawling along the floor making rude noises.

This is all that I have to say on this matter.

Keith Doughnut

I’m wearing my anti-static wrist strap – are you wearing yours?

Are Mesh Computers Really as Bad as People Say?

Hello Readers and thanks for interacting with me on this merry day.

Today I want to talk about mesh computers. I last bought a computer from a company called MESH in 2003. They had a really cool website and good reputation for building good quality computers in those days. That same computer with several upgrades and repairs has lasted 6 years. Time has moved on though and I now require a more powerful machine.

Mesh computers have always attracted lots of publicity for poor customer service but I thought this was just angry rude inpatient people mouthing off.

On the 2nd of December I placed an order for a new computer from Mesh Computers. This was a quite exciting experience because the machine contained a new Intel i7 processor. Anyway, Mesh reckoned that they will build and ship my computer in 14 working days. They didn’t.

My computer did arrive on the 30/12/2008 and any great excitement and joy was short lived. The machine was carefully removed from its packaging and stood on the kitchen table for examination. The case was not assembled correctly on the left side. The card reader was pressed in on one side. The case was scratched/marked on the upper right edge. This is all superficial or repairable damage that I could live with if the machine worked.

So I set about the task of re-arranging the office for the placement of the new computer. This took most of the (working day). I have a very complex set up that takes a lot of configuring. In addition, I cleaned the desk and made sure everything was clean tidy. This involved using a cleaning cloth and a vacuum cleaner!

Eventually, I set about setting up the new computer. I am a pessimistic person so only attached the monitor, speakers, keyboard and mouse. The moment of truth had arrived and the machine was switched on for the first time. I held my breath, my face went blue and then the screen flickered into action. I exhaled…

The rest of the afternoon (and early evening) were spent setting up and updating Microsoft Vista. Everything seemed as though it was working although vista was doing its own thing which prevented me doing mine! My first ambition was to set up a network and internet connection. I pressed the button on the optical drive and watched as the tray lazily and jaggedly opened. I carefully placed the software disc in the tray and observed it close the same way it opened. This is where the problems began. The computer’s optical drive did not read the disc. Instead it just made strange noises and vista provided me with its ever present circle of joy. I tried to investigate the situation by opening the task manager and Vista crashed!



I spent several hours trying to get the computer to read the disc thinking that the disc was faulty (although it worked in my laptop and older desktop pc). The disc was clean but I cleaned it anyway and tried it again. It worked – so I eventually set up the network and broadband connection.

I decided to add more software but the same thing happened. Only this time each time I removed the disc there was an area of visible damage on the disc surface. It was at this point that it occurred to me that this computer was a huge shoddy pile of junk and I was about to encounter Mesh’s legendary customer services department. The joy and excitement of buying a new computer had been replaced with disillusioned sadness.

It was now 18:15 in the evening, and with sorrow made a call to mesh to discuss the problems of my computer’s useless optical drive. To my surprise my call was answered rather swiftly by a man with a very strong accent. In fact I could not understand a word that he said. At his point I felt very flustered and out of kilter…somehow we managed to communicate sufficiently so that we both understood the situation. He told me that my computer could be returned and that Mesh would send a complete replacement within 5 working days. This set my mind at rest and I grudgingly began resurrecting up my old computer.

The phone rang and the display showed an “Unknown” number. It was Mesh and it was my indecipherable foreign friend. I have no idea what he said but I’m sure it was just the same as before. A few minutes later Mesh called again and this time my indecipherable foreign friend gave me some information that I had to write down. It was just ridiculous! I have no idea what he was saying and pretty much just agreed by saying “OK” each time he stopped speaking. Afterwards I wondered what was going on!

The next day after a night of turbulent sleep I rang Mesh to investigate the situation. Somehow, I was no longer getting a replacement computer within 5 working days. My computer was going back to base for a priority repair. Is this what I had agreed? I am a quiet man with a placid peaceful outlook on life but at this stage my temper began to fray. It was at this stage that I began to fear for my outlay and requested that they arrange for collection of the defective computer because I wanted a full refund. Any question asked after this point was met with the same response which was basically “you will have to read section 8 and 9 of the terms and conditions”

A refund has to be requested in writing…so I’ve written them a nice letter requesting a refund.

So there you have it…the state of play. I’m back using my old computer whilst Mesh has £1440 of my money. There is a large box with a useless computer parked in my bedroom awaiting collection which I think I have to pay £45.00

I’m not sure whether it is an accurate assessment but I’ve decide that all computer companies are poo. On receipt of my refund I’m going to build a computer myself and may even write a new blog on how to build your own so that other disgruntled consumers can follow me into the world of the unknown.

I’m actually looking forward to the experience and have invested in a pair of long-nose pliers as a gesture of my commitment to this project. I will keep you updated of further developments in this tale of dismal woe, misery and computer building incompetence (by Mesh).

If you have read this to the end you may need to sit in dark room for a couple of hours whilst your brain re-adjusts to normal functionality.

Keith Doughnut
A Shop-Keepers Nightmare

More Credit Card Woe

Hello Readers and thanks for coming down to the police station yesterday to bail me out. Much appreciated.

Thinking a little bit more about my recent credit card fiasco and those fools collectively known as the HSBC. They rather considerately elected to post me a nice letter stating that their competent fraud prevention squad detected suspicious activities and blocked my credit card. Then I thought...hang on a minute, is this the same incident that I reported to them only 24 hours earlier? Yes...now I remember because at the time it was extremely inconvenient, embarrassing, frustrating and annoying. Being a curious type of person (but not bi-curious) I did some further research into this incident of fraud. I found that DABS.com have increased the sucurity on their website so high that just logging in is likey to flag you as an active fraudster.

So, if you have a DABS.com account (not recommended) and you enter you credit card details into their database (not recommended) you are at risk of the same thing happening to you. I'm advising you to remove your card details from their website and other similar websites. If your card expires you will not be able to log in to update the details. Instead your attempt to do so will result in your credit card being blocked by your bank or card provider. I think that this type of high security is rather excessive. How do they know that I was not logging in to update or change my credit card details or wanted to add a new card?

Also be aware that DABS.com have been bought by BT and now trade as BT Shop.

Somehow, I can turn the most simple task into a gigantic life threatening disaster. It is little wonder that I am an anxious and nervous wreck, spending my time writing useless posts to a blog that nobody reads. My dream of becoming rich, famous and successful is rapidly starting to fade. I will not be plucked from obscurity and launched into the limelight as the funny man from the internet with the hilarious eyebrows. I won't appear on post watershed scripted quiz shows with other fat middle aged men. There will never be an opportunity for people to be slightly disappointed that Keith Doughnut was not as funny as they thought he was going to be. If only they had seen the mobile phone footage of me trapped in the phone box (shown on BBC local news in the summer).

Keith Doughnut

Knowing things about other things!

HSBC Blocked My Credit Card

Hello Readers and thanks for piling round at short notice!

As my title suggests the HSBC blocked my credit card as part of their fraud prevention. I had not used my card for an entire week or more. I used it to buy a new bike, and yes it did finally arrive. So I decided to do my Christmas shopping on-line and also buy a new computer because mine is 6 years old, sounds like a tractor and is held together with chewing gum and gaffer tape. My monitor descends into a world of it's own that consists of only blackness seperated by a long central white line. I hate shopping, even on the internet. It just seems wrong to be careful with money all year and then suddenly buy 10 tonnes of absolute junk. The HSBC appear to share my point of view and they soon sprang into action.

The first item on my list was a laptop computer for the missus/girlfriend/partner (whatever you would like to call her). This is a birthday and christmas present all rolled into one, I'm not usually this extravagant! She had found the make and model of her choice and navigated to DABS website. I liked DABS and have been a customer for as long as I can remember. Sadly, I was unable to get into the website on this occasion. I was quite annoyed, but didn't have time to mess about and just bought the laptop from another website for the exact same price. Next stop Amazon, where I have also been a long term customer. Both of these websites keep your card details on record. I needed a lot of equipment for the new laptop including a decent wireless modem (£70.00) and some software (£58.00), a USB flash memory drive and a load of other stuff costing in fair amount in total. Placed the order and moved on to another website.

Later when checking my email discovered that my transaction for Amazon had failed. This was a first so I checked that my details were correct and tried again. Same thing happened. My card was refused on other websites later in the day. This was a real pain in the bottom on a day that I had decided to finally knuckle down and buy some stuff. Luckily I had another card that did work and I re-ordered all the Amazon items from another retailer. (Overclockers)

Later I sent a message to my bank on-line and they said that they had blocked my card. I was livid. I had to ring their fraud investigation team. The interesting point to note is that the HSBC knew that I had been trying to log into DABS website (even though I never logged in). The HSBC put a block on my card and this prevented me even logging in. Did you know that they can do this? That is the last time I use DABS website.

I am also annoyed that my card has been flagged when being used on sites that I am registered with, using the correct card details and verification protocols set out by Visa. In the end I managed to make my purchases but both Dabs and Amazon have lost out here. Particularly Dabs because they will never see the colour of my money again. Amazon...might, they didn't lock me out of the website.

The HSBC say you can now use your card. I don't want to. When I make a transaction I want it to go through without any fuss, bother or trouble. I have no confidence in their credit card and will never use it again.

Paid the balance and chopped up the card.

There is a moral to this story I think, although nobody is likely to read it!

Keith Doughnut
Struggling along...

I Know Nothing About SEO

Hello Readers and thanks for meeting me here in this abandoned car park. Did you bring the...oh hang on...your not the...

So, I write like a man who holds his pencil with his left nostril, so what! Now, quite obviously I am a man who knows absolutely nothing about SEO. Join the club? It stands for Search Engine Optimization or to put it another way how to get on top. You see there are some people who spend a lot of time thinking about ranking. No...you misheard me, I said RANKING, it is how Google sorts the wheat from the chaff, the bright from the dim, the righteous from the rotters. Sadly it has yet to sort the spammers from the bloggers but they are probably working on it as we speak.

I have dabbled in SEO once or twice, not with this blog, you must be joking. I have other websites that are much more ambitious than this pile of old trousers. I have social anxiety, so it makes sense that I want to be writer. I write things...OH OH OH that's it! I remember what this post is meant to be about...article directories.

Do you remember a few months back (I know, its the medication never mind just nod and read on) when Google said that the internet was a cesspool? I thought yes it is, and it's because all the good writers who should be writing brilliant articles for their own websites are instead churning out 100's of keyword stuffed mumbo jumbo for free article directories instead.

I've just read that article directories are going to be down graded by Google in future so this might see an end to this ridiculous practice. It's about time...

I'm sick and tired of the free article directory SEO talk that litters the entire internet. I have no backlinks, I have no pagerank and I have no visitors and I really could not care less. Stop trying to milk the internet like a giant udder into your gaping mouths.

Keith Doughnut
I've accidentally strayed into an area where I simply do not belong...

My Bicycle Debacle Continues...

Hello Readers and thanks for saving my bacon last night. I'm in too much of rage to go into further details please allow me to fill you in (so to speak).

It really should not be too difficult to purchase a bicycle these days. I have a wad of cash burning a hole in my pocket...either that or one of my gonads is on fire! I revoke my previous comments about on-line bicycle retailers. Sorry about that Winstanley bikes! Maybe I should not have taken my frustration out on these people. I suppose that it is not entirely their fault that a country we import all our products from over seas via container ships. When you see "out of stock" on a webpage that is the image that should enter your mind. A container ship in the middle of the sea, somewhere deep within, the product of your dreams is hidden. Whilst we are on or off the subject those guys who hang out in a disused workshop behind wigan train station did eventually respond to my emails.

My local bike shop (LBS) has let me down. I feel angry and anxious about this matter. Cyclists are contantly reminded by internet discussion forums to support their local bike shops, but what happens if your local bike shop is run by an ecentric buffoon with jellied eels for brains? I would dearly love to post the name of this chap and his fruitless bike shop...but I will resist the temptation. First they told me that the bike I wanted was out of stock, but they would ring the supplier...and it would definately arrive by the 7th. I rang to confirm that this was still the case, but hold on it was now in stock, oh hang on that is a different bicycle altogether, sorry about that! It will not arrive until the 12th. They don't deliver though so I'm told to call at the shop to collect the bike. Also they refused to discuss methods of payment which left me dazed, confused and indifferent. On the 11th, I felt pessemistic about the arrival of this bicycle and gave the shop a quick ring just to make absolutely sure they had actually taken order of the product. Low and behold, it had not arrived. I wanted to discuss the matter, but they were too busy with christmas orders and a shop bustling with customers. They said that they would call me back first thing in the morning! I felt shattered...I've drooled about getting my hands on that particular bike for months...my hopes had been raised and then dashed.

I'm not really sure what criteria is required to define first thing in the morning, but I've done a full mornings work and had my lunch and nobody from the friendly local bike shop has called. I took this matter into my own hands and wrang the manufacturer of the bikes. They gave me the name of a reputable online retailer and I ordered a bike online later the same day. It was over £20.00 cheaper than my local bike shop with free delivery. I just have to wait and see if it actually arrives this time...let hope so because this is the third time I've ordered this item.

All this just ot buy a bicycle...I'm a nervous wreck!

Keith Doughnut

Latest update: my order has changed from pending to processing. That is a very exciting development for an impatient geek like myself.

10 Reasons why you Should Bookmark my Blog

Ten superb and interesting reasons why you should add my blog (Keith Doughnut Speaks) to your bookmarks or favourites folder. It's time to stop being a dick and get amongst the blog that stands on the shoulder's of giants. So that it can see the neighbours "spanking" their au pair with an old slipper!

1.Its better than everything else on the entire internet, including flipbook, Spuwie, Space Goggles, Porno Sites, Russian Download Sites, Forums, Forearms, Foreheads and Formic Acid. There is nothing on the internet that tops it. YouPube is the only site that is curly enough to compete with it.

2.Keith Doughnut is unique and literally insane. In the words of advertising slogan writer Murray Walker “Anything can happen and it usually does!”

3.Keith Doughnut needs attention or he goes mute. Adulation [whatever that is] is required or he may fail to speak for months. Then when he does eventually speak all that comes out is half chewed food and spittle.

4.Keith Doughnut is a known to dribble when he speaks. It makes more sense for him to write it all down for you to read. Re-naming the blog Keith Doughnut Writes it all Down (because he spits when he speaks) is possible but unlikely.

5.Keith Doughnut is not fat, unlike most other blogger's who are generally quite large in the middle.

6.Keith Doughnut is fatter than most other blogger's who are generally quite thin due to spending too much time on the internet reading and writing blogs.

7.Keith Doughnut is a liar and a cheat.

8.Keith Doughnut pretends to adore his readers but really he dislikes them all and wishes they would stop reading his blog, leaving inane comments and just go away.

9.Keith Doughnut shakes like a leaf most of the time.

10.Keith Doughnut is fantastic at writing lists.

11.Keith Doughnut can not count! Remember this when he tells you about the stats for his website. Currently getting over 20,000 hits per day. Fame and fortune awaits!

At the moment my top ranking keyword is "spanking" (with quotation marks). You can only imagine the pigs, trolls and lowlife that call by to read my blog. Although all are welcome, some are more welcome than others.

It's getting cold up here on the roof! I'm coming down...

Keith Doughnut

...and don't forget to tell your sister that there is still a golden opportunity to become my first follower!

No Comment

Hello Reader/s and thanks for joining me here in this cramped and claustrophobic environment.

Some of you have big blogs with a large fan base. This means you have many loyal readers and friends. You are popular and have made a great impact since joining the blog community. This makes you feel special, worthwhile and wholesome. Your blogs are so impressive that blogspot gives you a cathedral to shout aloud from to your adoring fans. Fame and fortune beckons.

Then there is Keith Doughnut Speaks, a blog that is seen as a blot on the landscape by many. A dismal and unadulterated shambles thrown together by a man who's main asset is his eyebrows. My blog is the product of lazy afternoons asleep on the floor and the side effects of over the counter medications (such as Lemsip original (with aspartame) and a partially consumed orange flavoured medicated cough lozenge. I am a pair of trousers with holes in the knees and covered in strange blotchy patches where some imbecile spilt the anti-freeze. This is possibly why blogspot has given me a 1m x 1m cupboard that smells very slightly of urine and disinfectant. Here we are, crammed in the small damp and dank cupboard that is my blog...it is dark and detrimental to our health. Yet each day we congregate here and discus the events of the day. No matter of the convoluted (what does that word mean Keith) nature of my subjects.

My main topic of the day is really on the comments received or not received. How do you feel when you write a post and get no comments. Does this mean that a post is irrelevent, stupid, hopeless, devoid of any substance, an absolute load of old horse droppings?

Do you ever write a comment and then decide not to post it at the last minute? I do this a lot, because I would not want to upset anyone by being too rude, unthoughtful etc. How do I know they will take my comment in the way that I intended? So this is why I rarely appear in your comments lists.

Just a few thoughts and genuine expressions from Keith Doughnut, a first on my blog. One day, I might even write a proper post just like a real blogger.

Keith Doughnut

A Spare Part in Life's Machine

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

Hello Readers, and thanks for bringing tins of fruit, fresh vegetables and surplus food items from your panties, cupboards, and larders. Unfortunately you have mistaken my blog for the Harvest Festival (again).

I have a miserable dirge for you to read and some complete piffle about my forthcoming book. You can read it or just skip this page. Maybe add a comment or just spit at the screen and watch the drool extend into a long frothy river of spittle that gradually rolls slowly down the screen before slowly dripping onto your desk, table or legs.

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

They throw mud at him when he walks down the street,
whilst standing still they fire weapons at his feet,
In the post office they barge him out of the way,
The supermarket staff say that he is gay,
At home respect is not at hand,
Ugly faces are pulled and pants buried in the sand,
Strangers punch him in the balls,
and make disgusting prank phone calls,
but despite all this anguish throughout the weeks,
you can still read his blog called “Keith Doughnut Speaks”

I am a man with a Plan, OK it is a saving plan from the Nat-west (circa 1987) but it is still a plan and that is all it says in the book. [What book?]

If anyone is reading this...(I know you will Frank, otherwise you could not have known about the incident with the horse last Thursday) I have received some rather sad news this week. My “perspective” publisher decided not to publish my book titled “The Joy of Hexagons”. I am obviously devastated by this malicious and stupid behaviour.

For several months these idiots asked for more steam. I filled the entire book with steam. There were clouds of steam everywhere. The main character, a Roman foot soldier called Ikbhar had steam coming from his ears. I've managed to pen one final line to complete the saga, it is slightly tongue in turnip and directed at a certain book publisher with a crooked nose and wonky eyebrows, you know who you are...

“Where is my freakin' book deal” said Ikbhar as he pushed a hand cart of sprouts up the hillside. A cloud of yellow steam filtered over the landscape like an old man's hairstyle.

I'm crying into my cornflakes...

I've got some other stuff to do now so... “MOVE IT, FATTY!”

Keith Doughnut