Shoe Shop Assistant Spat in my Shoes

Never let it be said that I am a fat and paranoid middle aged man! I want to share with you some astonishing findings. I have long held a suspicion that people who work in shoe shops spit in the shoes. Whilst you patiently (or anxiously for some people) wait for the shop assistant to emerge from the stock room. Unbeknown to the customer they are secretly spitting into the shoes, maybe just a small amount (known as a dribble). This would explain the rye expression given as you insert your foot into the shoe. Do not be fooled by the packaging which is used to cover this disgusting behaviour. This is just a suspicion at the moment in that I have no actual evidence. The wet patch on my socks is always dry by the time that I get home. I have a friend that is a dentist and he believes and backs my theory. This is what Alf had to say yesterday afternoon when I called him at the surgery.

Keith: “Hello Alf, its Keith”
Alf: “Keith who?”
Keith: “Doughnut…”
(Long pause)

Alf: “What do you want Keith?”
Keith: “I have a suspicion that shoe shop assistants have been spitting in shoes before I try them on (my feet). I wondered…
(Interrupted)
Alf: “You’re probably right Keith, but I’ve got to go because someone is trying to steal my car!” Bye.
(Call ended – abruptly)

Later I managed to find Alf’s car parked outside the Dental Practice where he works. Luckily the receptionist was able to make me an appointment and I was able to continue my conversation with Alf. Sadly, Alf was not very talkative (perhaps the pressure of work) and conversing was difficult with his fingers and dental instrument in my mouth. This was an oversight on my part and also involved some very painful treatment to one of my molars. This is really the extent of my investigation so far. It is a difficult situation because I need solid proof before reporting it to the relevant authority. In fact I have no knowledge of who the governing body or ombudsman is for the retail shoe industry. I have written a brief (no not about my briefs) email to the BBC’s Watchdog television programme but they have so far failed to reply. In the email I recommended making a new series called B-rogue Retailers.

It’s going to be a while before my shoes need replacing so it is going to be difficult to prove my theory (unless they are stolen). I feel a bit like Charles Darwin at the moment, when he discovered the theory of evolution nobody believed him either. The only thread of hope at the moment is that a local science student has offered to carry out DNA testing on my socks the next time this happens. If you have ever had a similar incident when buying shoes (or boots) please join my campaign to make shoe shop assistants wear a spit-proof muzzle at all times.

Keith Doughnut