Winston Churchill's Cigar

Hello Nosy,

Actually, you may regret poking your nose into my blog this merry day. This is because I have descended into a dirty place for the topic of this post. This all happened quite by accident and I would like to assure you that I am not a dirty person nor do I have any interest in scatology of any kind. I was in two minds whether to post this today but in the end I have nothing else on my mind to share. I do hope that nobody takes offence at the content of this post. In the past I have been physically assaulted in the street for posting absolute tosh. I am fairly sure that this post will not fall into this category and I will not be lamped in the nuts on my way to work today.

If anybody has progressed to this second paragraph then it must be safe for me to continue. Allow me to start at the beginning. I was walking through my local park listening to the birds singing in the trees and enjoying the fairly average weather conditions. I was in a jolly frame of mind and enjoying my stroll immensely. I had walked the complete circuit through the park, around a large pond and was about to leave via a double tier of steps with ornate statues at either side. It was at this point that something quite bizarre caught my eye and took my full attention.
Now you might think that this is the usual kind of thing that you see down the park. A lady jogging without a bra or even a small group of 20 something girls wrestling on the grass in their micro skirts and skimpy tops. I would have thought that both scenarios would have made for a better photograph but what I saw simply defied belief. I have included photographic evidence but please be warned this is an extremely dirty image that may induce vomiting in some people.

It is a length of dogs doings that I believe resembles almost exactly one of Winston Churchill's Cigars. Have you ever seen anything like it? I was just astounded and spent several hours observing the dung-lump. In the end, I had to leave before the temptation to lift the dog mud to my mouth whilst giving an uplifting and morale boasting speech befell my dumbfounded mind. What do you think about this?

Winston Churchill's Cigar – taken by Keith Doughnut May, 2008. (Click to Enlarge)

You can almost smell it can't you?

Keith Doughnut

The Hunt for Keith's Gold Teeth

Hello Reader,

In this post I promise to astound you twice. If you were to venture to a supermarket or hospital car park this very day, you are likely to discover a strange man sitting alone in his vehicle. Perhaps this man has wild hair, a partial beard, spots and warts, no neck, inverted eyebrows and crooked goofy teeth. If you discover that this man has the radio tuned to Talksport and is frantically writing to a laptop computer then the chances are that you have just located Keith Doughnut!

In actually fact I could actually be editing this very post that you are reading now. For example if this sentence was to contain a phrase about the upper section of my household mop bucket, I would probably remove it at some stage for being irrelevant. (no it is not an elephant!). However you have read this post before I made any changes. This is why this utterly stupid paragraph remains in this post rendering us both idiots. I am an idiot for writing it and you are an idiot for reading it. Actually I am a double whopper and cheese of an idiot because I wrote it and then proof read it before posting it, on doing so I read it again. Lets face it, if you have continued reading this post this far you must be missing a few marbles.

Well this post was supposed to be about something interesting but I have now forgotten the original idea. Instead I have written another load of tosh and piffle, but I doubt that anyone will notice (or care). The upper section of my mop bucket is great when mopping but the rest of time it obstructs the opening into the bucket. This makes using the mop bucket for other household tasks more difficult.

Thanks for inspecting my chamber!

Keith Doughnut

Doughnut Engaged in Banana War

Hello Readers

(Plural. This blog now averages 2 visits a week – not including myself)

It seems that this blog is now growing rather quickly, a bit like my belly. Please do not write to me asking if I am the same Keith Doughnut shown on BBC local news trapped in a phone box. That was quite clearly a different Keith Doughnut who looked nothing like me. Now that we have cleared up that matter let us get to grips with the major problem that is sweeping across the UK, and possibly the rest of the world too. I am not messing about any more, this is the real nitty-gritty that is absent from most high profile blogs.

The problem is self-peeling bananas (see image) This is costing me a fortune in wasted bananas because they are unzipping themselves before I am ready to eat them. If I force down the bananas before I am ready I could end up taking on board far too much dietary fibre resulting in a nasty accident (so to speak). Also the bananas that unravel themselves do not look right. They are not quite as yellow on the outside (I call that the skin, and usually discard it, unless I am very hungry indeed). I feel some degree of apprehension when faced with a banana that has unwrapped itself. I do not want a good piece of fruit to go to waste when there are starving people in this world, but on the other hand, I do not want to contract botulism or some other severe disease or illness from the fruit either. I mean what if someone has spat in the gap or done something really dirty to the contents without my knowledge. Like prodding it with a rusty spoon or something (what did you think I meant?) My local butcher was once arrested for a similar crime in 2001, although this crime was not related to bananas in any way.

I have thought about writing to my supermarket about this problem but fear that my concerns would not be taken seriously. Supermarkets make an allowance for 4-8 % of their customers to be totally insane (like extremist, environmentalists etc) and they have a big fob-brush that they use to fob us off with. It is rumoured that the fob-brush (not to be confused with a bog brush) has bristles made from the pubic hairs of Johnny Ball.

In the end I went totally crazy and have written to my local MP about the problem of self peeling bananas. So far I have not heard anything more about it. Do not fear my hippy friends I will sort this out and we will be eating good old sunset yellow stubborn-skinned bananas before you know it.

Keith Doughnut

Remember that I am now fighting the Banana War (on your behalf)

A Pear of Bottoms

Hello Reader (you smell of minty chews today!)

I am Keith Doughnut - self elected fountain of knowledge and handsome lexicon of the interweb's stratosphere. It is here on this website where you will find everything that you least expected. Today I bring you a photographic image from my very own dinner table.

Earlier today (19th May 2008), I purchased some rather unusual pears from my local supermarket. The product has been specially imported from Africa and I was delighted and rather excited when I discovered them. The African pears are called Forelle and according to the small purple fruit sticker have been given the four digit code of 4418. It also states on the sticker that this particular piece of fruit is best enjoyed firm. On arrival back at my mansion I inspected the fruit more closely in the leisurely surroundings of my kitchen.

It was during this post purchase inspection that I discovered that one of the fruits when viewed at a particular angle resembled a pair of buttocks. It was difficult to contain this information and it was not long before I had shared this knowledge with my children who laughed loudly and uncontrollably for a sustained period of time. It is for this reason that I have gone to the trouble of uploading a photograph of the bottom-like fruit for your enjoyment.


Looking in your big brown eye!















BTW - We have now eaten this fruit and all agreed that it was rather pleasant. It has a crunchy texture more akin to an apple but the subtle and less tart flavour of a pear. As stated on the sticker and similar to bottoms they are indeed best enjoyed firm. Happy Munching.

Keith Doughnut

The Thickset

Hello Reader

This blog has only ever been read by myself, you and a Dutch prostitute called Lola. Together we have embraced the joy that is Keith Doughnut Speaks. Sadly when Keith Doughnut speaks (that is me by the way) a small amount of spittle emerges with certain sounds. This means that when speaking to people who I know they tend to duck during the conversation. People who I don't know (strangers) have a tendency to thump me in the groin or facial region. This week I had to give a special and important presentation to a large audience of people. Like most of us the prospect of this made me nervous and my concern begin to grow about accidentally phlegging all over the unsuspecting assembly of folks. The problem appears to worsen with anxiety and I had a dream that my audience become totally drenched in a tidal wave of tepid saliva.

I spoke to several people who reassured me that the speech would be OK and it was natural to be nervous. As I suspected they were very wrong and the presentation was a complete disaster. To dry my mouth I tried to eat lots of cream cracker biscuits known to absorb all the saliva in the mouth. This technique worked, but I was called on to the stage with a mouth full of half ingested crackers. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak I showered everyone in the front row/s with my half-chewed gob fodder. I was asked to stand down and assaulted by an angry mob on my way home afterwards. I do not want to go into graphic details of the assault but I think it was what some people call a snuggy or wedgy. I am sure we are all familiar with this terminology and therefore the deep pain that I suffered from this unprovoked attack. You would have thought that senior citizens would behave better than this wouldn't you?

What really made my day worse was the fact that someone has posted a photograph of their genitalia through my letter box. To see this unsightly (and rather shrivelled) image on my arrival home turned my stomach upside down and I spent most of the evening in the cupboard under the stairs.

I hope for a happier day tomorrow.

Keith Doughnut

Me and My Big Nose

Hey There Cowboy!

Welcome to the only blog on the internet that smells of deep fried dog-mud
My name is Keith Doughnut and I am several inches taller than you. Now you might be wondering how you came to be with this nutty ...nutty ...nutty man! I can only assume that you were surfing the inter-web and typed in a really obscure phrase like "deep fried dog-mud" or you're the crazy troll that reads all my work and sends me pairs of underpants in the post. If you are the crazy sod that sends all the weird stuff please can you remember that I am not really as fat as you think, I have a 32 inch waste (medium). The last pack of boxer shorts you sent me would have fitted a horse, and I can prove this because I took them to a paddock up the road owned by a local riding school where "Blossom" tried them on. Now, they were a little bit snug but I think that I have made my point.

Please just stop it...

I have no idea how you people gained access to my home address in the first place. The brochures were very interesting Geoff, but I have no real interest in the artificial insemination of farmyard animals.

Since my last post I have been punched twice in the gonads by total strangers. The first time was just as I was leaving work just before I got to my car and the second time was just after gaining entrance to Dixons electrical store to return a defective kettle. This is actually below the weekly average for me and hopefully I can keep it this way.

Thanks for dropping by my office. Sadly I have written another post of complete and utter nonsense that will benefit nobody and his three brothers. Once again accept my gratitude for being here to witness how much I have burnt the toast and slipped in the biggest pavement pizza ever measured by human limbs.

Keith Doughnut

A man with one eye on the fire escape!

Breaking News | Queen Chokes to Death on Fig Roll

Hello Reader you will (probably) be safe here!

You may have spent the entire day wondering what the heck Keith Doughnut has been doing. In the end the need to know became too much of a burden to carry on your shoulders. This is why you are here despite your partner and children screaming for their dinner, the dog is going nuts because he wants a walk and the meter man is ringing your doorbell to take a reading, yet you are here on my website reading this post!

Therefore I will rapidly put your misery to the sword and reveal what I spent the day doing. It is this creative sticker (see image below) that you can place on any door. Cupboards, Cars, Toilets etc. If for some reason you do not see the image below I will tell you what is written on it.

In the event of a disaster please remove this door and wear it on your back for protection

Try adding one to your grandmothers freezer or on all the doors in your place of work. Slap them on all the cupboards, cars, buses, people, animals or anywhere else you can think of. The only problem you need to solve is how to make them stick. Try some type of adhesive or print them on special "sticker" paper.

You can place these stickers everywhere (or anywhere) and if you are really lucky(I wasn't) you might even get away without getting beaten up by your colleagues.

Cheers for visiting my quarry.

Keith Doughnut

Welcome to Keith Doughnut Speaks...

Hello Reader and thanks for joining me here today.

My name is Keith Doughnut and your name is probably something else (like Jack, Ted, Rose etc) I don't know what your name is...unless of course you tell me it. I am not a telepathic person but one of my ears does look very similar to a SKY satellite dish. This is because I burnt one side of my head when tossing a pancake and accidentally lobbed the frying pan as well. I recently had some problems with my garden fork. I wrote about this extensively on another website (blog UK) but I'm low on ideas and like to recycle.

Have you ever licked the side of a bus? me too...

So yeah...I'm fat, lazy and hairy but you can just call me Keith Doughnut. (some people do)

I'm thinking about buying some new trousers at the moment but cannot decide which shade of dull grey to purchase. In fact I might just go for the brown ones so that I can roll around on the ground in my lunch break.

If you have ever read any of my previous dribble-wazz you will be unreliably informed that I am currently making a film for YouTube. It is a film of myself (Keith Doughnut Snr.) grating cheese. I have had some very positive feed back so far and of course been called a s***head by several people as well, including my parents, missus and my robot.

If life was an aroma what would it smell like? Bottoms, tomato plants, Kestrel droppings? There is no answer, I just thought I would throw it in there because I have run out of things to say.

Thanks for visiting my factory.

Keith Doughnut