Doughnut Engaged in Banana War

Hello Readers

(Plural. This blog now averages 2 visits a week – not including myself)

It seems that this blog is now growing rather quickly, a bit like my belly. Please do not write to me asking if I am the same Keith Doughnut shown on BBC local news trapped in a phone box. That was quite clearly a different Keith Doughnut who looked nothing like me. Now that we have cleared up that matter let us get to grips with the major problem that is sweeping across the UK, and possibly the rest of the world too. I am not messing about any more, this is the real nitty-gritty that is absent from most high profile blogs.

The problem is self-peeling bananas (see image) This is costing me a fortune in wasted bananas because they are unzipping themselves before I am ready to eat them. If I force down the bananas before I am ready I could end up taking on board far too much dietary fibre resulting in a nasty accident (so to speak). Also the bananas that unravel themselves do not look right. They are not quite as yellow on the outside (I call that the skin, and usually discard it, unless I am very hungry indeed). I feel some degree of apprehension when faced with a banana that has unwrapped itself. I do not want a good piece of fruit to go to waste when there are starving people in this world, but on the other hand, I do not want to contract botulism or some other severe disease or illness from the fruit either. I mean what if someone has spat in the gap or done something really dirty to the contents without my knowledge. Like prodding it with a rusty spoon or something (what did you think I meant?) My local butcher was once arrested for a similar crime in 2001, although this crime was not related to bananas in any way.

I have thought about writing to my supermarket about this problem but fear that my concerns would not be taken seriously. Supermarkets make an allowance for 4-8 % of their customers to be totally insane (like extremist, environmentalists etc) and they have a big fob-brush that they use to fob us off with. It is rumoured that the fob-brush (not to be confused with a bog brush) has bristles made from the pubic hairs of Johnny Ball.

In the end I went totally crazy and have written to my local MP about the problem of self peeling bananas. So far I have not heard anything more about it. Do not fear my hippy friends I will sort this out and we will be eating good old sunset yellow stubborn-skinned bananas before you know it.

Keith Doughnut

Remember that I am now fighting the Banana War (on your behalf)