The Thickset

Hello Reader

This blog has only ever been read by myself, you and a Dutch prostitute called Lola. Together we have embraced the joy that is Keith Doughnut Speaks. Sadly when Keith Doughnut speaks (that is me by the way) a small amount of spittle emerges with certain sounds. This means that when speaking to people who I know they tend to duck during the conversation. People who I don't know (strangers) have a tendency to thump me in the groin or facial region. This week I had to give a special and important presentation to a large audience of people. Like most of us the prospect of this made me nervous and my concern begin to grow about accidentally phlegging all over the unsuspecting assembly of folks. The problem appears to worsen with anxiety and I had a dream that my audience become totally drenched in a tidal wave of tepid saliva.

I spoke to several people who reassured me that the speech would be OK and it was natural to be nervous. As I suspected they were very wrong and the presentation was a complete disaster. To dry my mouth I tried to eat lots of cream cracker biscuits known to absorb all the saliva in the mouth. This technique worked, but I was called on to the stage with a mouth full of half ingested crackers. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak I showered everyone in the front row/s with my half-chewed gob fodder. I was asked to stand down and assaulted by an angry mob on my way home afterwards. I do not want to go into graphic details of the assault but I think it was what some people call a snuggy or wedgy. I am sure we are all familiar with this terminology and therefore the deep pain that I suffered from this unprovoked attack. You would have thought that senior citizens would behave better than this wouldn't you?

What really made my day worse was the fact that someone has posted a photograph of their genitalia through my letter box. To see this unsightly (and rather shrivelled) image on my arrival home turned my stomach upside down and I spent most of the evening in the cupboard under the stairs.

I hope for a happier day tomorrow.

Keith Doughnut