10 Reasons why you Should Bookmark my Blog

Ten superb and interesting reasons why you should add my blog (Keith Doughnut Speaks) to your bookmarks or favourites folder. It's time to stop being a dick and get amongst the blog that stands on the shoulder's of giants. So that it can see the neighbours "spanking" their au pair with an old slipper!

1.Its better than everything else on the entire internet, including flipbook, Spuwie, Space Goggles, Porno Sites, Russian Download Sites, Forums, Forearms, Foreheads and Formic Acid. There is nothing on the internet that tops it. YouPube is the only site that is curly enough to compete with it.

2.Keith Doughnut is unique and literally insane. In the words of advertising slogan writer Murray Walker “Anything can happen and it usually does!”

3.Keith Doughnut needs attention or he goes mute. Adulation [whatever that is] is required or he may fail to speak for months. Then when he does eventually speak all that comes out is half chewed food and spittle.

4.Keith Doughnut is a known to dribble when he speaks. It makes more sense for him to write it all down for you to read. Re-naming the blog Keith Doughnut Writes it all Down (because he spits when he speaks) is possible but unlikely.

5.Keith Doughnut is not fat, unlike most other blogger's who are generally quite large in the middle.

6.Keith Doughnut is fatter than most other blogger's who are generally quite thin due to spending too much time on the internet reading and writing blogs.

7.Keith Doughnut is a liar and a cheat.

8.Keith Doughnut pretends to adore his readers but really he dislikes them all and wishes they would stop reading his blog, leaving inane comments and just go away.

9.Keith Doughnut shakes like a leaf most of the time.

10.Keith Doughnut is fantastic at writing lists.

11.Keith Doughnut can not count! Remember this when he tells you about the stats for his website. Currently getting over 20,000 hits per day. Fame and fortune awaits!

At the moment my top ranking keyword is "spanking" (with quotation marks). You can only imagine the pigs, trolls and lowlife that call by to read my blog. Although all are welcome, some are more welcome than others.

It's getting cold up here on the roof! I'm coming down...

Keith Doughnut

...and don't forget to tell your sister that there is still a golden opportunity to become my first follower!

No Comment

Hello Reader/s and thanks for joining me here in this cramped and claustrophobic environment.

Some of you have big blogs with a large fan base. This means you have many loyal readers and friends. You are popular and have made a great impact since joining the blog community. This makes you feel special, worthwhile and wholesome. Your blogs are so impressive that blogspot gives you a cathedral to shout aloud from to your adoring fans. Fame and fortune beckons.

Then there is Keith Doughnut Speaks, a blog that is seen as a blot on the landscape by many. A dismal and unadulterated shambles thrown together by a man who's main asset is his eyebrows. My blog is the product of lazy afternoons asleep on the floor and the side effects of over the counter medications (such as Lemsip original (with aspartame) and a partially consumed orange flavoured medicated cough lozenge. I am a pair of trousers with holes in the knees and covered in strange blotchy patches where some imbecile spilt the anti-freeze. This is possibly why blogspot has given me a 1m x 1m cupboard that smells very slightly of urine and disinfectant. Here we are, crammed in the small damp and dank cupboard that is my blog...it is dark and detrimental to our health. Yet each day we congregate here and discus the events of the day. No matter of the convoluted (what does that word mean Keith) nature of my subjects.

My main topic of the day is really on the comments received or not received. How do you feel when you write a post and get no comments. Does this mean that a post is irrelevent, stupid, hopeless, devoid of any substance, an absolute load of old horse droppings?

Do you ever write a comment and then decide not to post it at the last minute? I do this a lot, because I would not want to upset anyone by being too rude, unthoughtful etc. How do I know they will take my comment in the way that I intended? So this is why I rarely appear in your comments lists.

Just a few thoughts and genuine expressions from Keith Doughnut, a first on my blog. One day, I might even write a proper post just like a real blogger.

Keith Doughnut

A Spare Part in Life's Machine

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

Hello Readers, and thanks for bringing tins of fruit, fresh vegetables and surplus food items from your panties, cupboards, and larders. Unfortunately you have mistaken my blog for the Harvest Festival (again).

I have a miserable dirge for you to read and some complete piffle about my forthcoming book. You can read it or just skip this page. Maybe add a comment or just spit at the screen and watch the drool extend into a long frothy river of spittle that gradually rolls slowly down the screen before slowly dripping onto your desk, table or legs.

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

They throw mud at him when he walks down the street,
whilst standing still they fire weapons at his feet,
In the post office they barge him out of the way,
The supermarket staff say that he is gay,
At home respect is not at hand,
Ugly faces are pulled and pants buried in the sand,
Strangers punch him in the balls,
and make disgusting prank phone calls,
but despite all this anguish throughout the weeks,
you can still read his blog called “Keith Doughnut Speaks”

I am a man with a Plan, OK it is a saving plan from the Nat-west (circa 1987) but it is still a plan and that is all it says in the book. [What book?]

If anyone is reading this...(I know you will Frank, otherwise you could not have known about the incident with the horse last Thursday) I have received some rather sad news this week. My “perspective” publisher decided not to publish my book titled “The Joy of Hexagons”. I am obviously devastated by this malicious and stupid behaviour.

For several months these idiots asked for more steam. I filled the entire book with steam. There were clouds of steam everywhere. The main character, a Roman foot soldier called Ikbhar had steam coming from his ears. I've managed to pen one final line to complete the saga, it is slightly tongue in turnip and directed at a certain book publisher with a crooked nose and wonky eyebrows, you know who you are...

“Where is my freakin' book deal” said Ikbhar as he pushed a hand cart of sprouts up the hillside. A cloud of yellow steam filtered over the landscape like an old man's hairstyle.

I'm crying into my cornflakes...

I've got some other stuff to do now so... “MOVE IT, FATTY!”

Keith Doughnut

A Quick Post About My New Banner

Hello Readers and thanks for helping me paint the bathroom ceiling this afternoon. I could not have managed without your help (honest).

It would be great if you could make me a nice of cup of tea but sadly at this moment in time hot beverages (as far as I am aware) can not be uploaded via the internet. This really is a shame but also, reduces the risk of myself and other tea drinkers contracting botulism from those dirty types who refuse to wash their hands. I'm not suggesting (or ruling out the chance) that any of my faithful and loyal readers are dirty filthy pigs. I currently have no evidence but once those comments start rolling in it might be possible to narrow it all down a little bit, until then I have my suspicions...

Believe it or not, this post is not about botulism or the possibility to drink hot beverages via the internet in the future. This post is just intended as a quick reminder that I have uploaded a new Keith Doughnut Speaks banner. I was really quite lucky to find it on the floor of the bus this morning. Obviously, I've added the words but other than that it was perfect, apart from one small problem. The process of getting this into my computer system has left strange and unidentified stains all over my scanner. I usually clean this device by either rubbing the glass with my t-shirt or if the stains are known to be from my current hot drink, I just lick the glass. I can tell if this is the case as their is usually quite a lot of steam present at the time. yes, my hard drive has lots of accidental scans of my tongue in action and twice I have almost been blinded by accidentally setting the scanner going whilst not wearing my protective welding mask.

all things are relative...but not all things here are relative to anything else. Keep your chins up high. I feel like I'm spitting into the wind whilst walking backwards.

The bike situations is now clear. I don't have one.

Keith Doughnut

Doughnut Features has Calmed Down

Hello Readers,

I can only apologise for my behaviour yesterday...believe me, I received a very severe spanking when I got home. (I really did!)

I've finally managed to simmer down after the whole on-line bicycle fiasco that unfolded over the last few days. Luckily it was not a folding bicycle that I was looking for because that would have just made matters worse. I could have ended up doubled up in pain or creased up with laughter. Anyway, controversial as it may be, folding bikes, electric bikes and other re-inventions of bikes are just foolish and a waste of time. There is nothing wrong with the conventional bike and it is time that would-be-inventors take their tools out of their hands and stop re-inventing the bicycle. It is not just on-line bicycle shops that turn my mild mannered happy-go-lucky self worth into a complex raging mentalist, who will stop at nothing until justice has been done. Well, I get a bit cross and write it down on my blog for others to admire, admonish or adjourn.

Digital television is great, hundreds of channels showing the same old rubbish interspersed with two and half minutes of advertising every 4 minutes. I ended up watching scrapheap challenge one fine evening and they were having a "special" competition to design a vehicle that went the fastest without using an engine. I noticed that most of the entries were made from dismantled bicycles and involved pedalling the machine and then cruising whilst their additional bizarre mechanisms failed with abject misery. If someone had entered on a standard bicycle they would have taken the top prize (possibly a free bag of horse manure from the local farm) without spending any time whatsoever on their build. A fine example of a waste of time, effort and horse manure.

Enough.

Keith Doughnut

I'm proud to still have zero stalkers enlisted to my mind blowing utterances. It's going to be strange (one day far in the future) to see that number change to 1. It's going to be really creepy when that happens and I have a stalker/follower reading my blog. Perhaps it will never happen, just to be on the safe side, I've avoided SEO and have not told anyone about this blog. It is top secret so that no weird people can find it. If you have encountered the hairy world of Keith Doughnut Speaks please keep it under your hat. Unless of course you have a very high ranking website then you should post an anchor text rich link back to my incredible blog. Let's face it, a few more post like this one and I will be featured in the Gaurdian and probably head hunted by the BBC, ITV and a hoard of other backwater companies with long haired management staff and upside-down furniture. Front bottoms to you and all those who look like you (that is my motto).

Why are my PHP Messages Always Ignored?

Hello Readers and thanks for coming back, I understand your apprehension after accidentally showering you in spittle last time. Since my gigantic outburst against on-line bicycle retailers I did actually get a response from Winstanley Bikes and they have agreed to cancel my order. The nugget heads at The Bike Outlet didn't bother responding, so I sent them a second message just in case I had entered my email address incorrectly. Once again the message turned a stunning shade of cabbage green to show that my message had been successful. Absolutely nothing...these guys are so stupid.

If only they knew how many bicycles I get through!

I bought my daughter a great bike made by Raleigh. It had a plastic chain guard. Kids (yes even girls) give their bikes one hell of a bashing. The chain guard was always getting damaged and somehow for many months I found ways to reattach the idiotically designed component. In the end, I contacted Raleigh through their recommended method of internet messaging (PHP). I asked them if it was possible to get a replacement chain guard (politely). They just ignored my message. Thanks Raleigh and that's the last bike I will be buying from your “good” selves. In the end, I engineered a new chain guard in my own workshop that works.

So when the choice of getting a new bike came round Raleigh are not considered. The Airlite (road bikes) look like a big load of old horse mud anyway in my opinion. I've got children, so I'm going to be buying bikes continuously for the foreseeable future. That is a lot of business you've thrown away Raleigh, I do hope you make it through the recession!

Another example, Draper tools, sent me a socket set with a socket missing. I contacted them via a PHP internet message and they ignored my request to have one sent out. If those dick-for-brains at draper tools knew how much I spend on tool every year...it is the same story all over again and obviously Draper are on my ever growing list of company's who will not see a penny of my money again. I never forget those who have ignored me... (especially by PHP message box)

I think that perhaps there is a pattern emerging here. These PHP message forms (internet email pages) you know, the one where you fill out your message in a rather small and inadequate box. Why don't they make those boxes bigger? and whilst your making some changes, why not employ someone at the other end to read the messages and send an adequate response?

If only companies knew how this effects their businesses and the overall perception of individual consumers. You can not behave like this these days, not with the Internet's myriad of forums, blogs and social networking sites all waiting for an opportunity to rip you to pieces.

Thanks for reading this absolute dirge of a post but I am a man on a rampage.

Keith Doughnut
Spitting Feathers

So Where's My Freaking Bike? | Winstanley Bike Shop?

Hello Readers and thanks for coming along for the ride. Actually, that statement is not correct because (as you may or may not already now) my bicycle has been destroyed. Perhaps that is an over dramatic way of describing what has happened to it. The truth is the bottom bracket shredded itself on my last outing and the piece of junk is not worth fixing. Yeah, I've got some tools and the ability to remove and replace the busted bits but it is not cost effective. Instead I have elected to put the cash towards my new bike.


Imagine the excitement that raced through my fat and overly hairy body when I placed an order (via the internet) for a brand new road racer. I could barely breathe, but that is simply because I am asthmatic. A couple of puffs on the old inhaler sorted that problem out! That was on the 8/10/2008. I've not even managed a quick croggy (that's a two up on the same bike for you foreign turnips) up the high street since. I did get an email that said the cretins at Winstanley Bikes had placed an order with their supplier for the bike. The day of arrival has been and gone and still no sign of the freaking bike. These guys really are a bunch of fools - if your planning to buy a bike on-line try someone else. It took them 5 days just to place my order with the supplier. I've since done some research and discovered that they are a bunch of brain dead oily urchins living in a disused shack at the back end of Wigan's train station. Feeling wazzed off with these super un-lubricated idiots I began searching for a suitable retailer to get me back on the road. A quick rummage through the search engine brought Bike Outlet to my attention.

This bunch of mammary induced cycle fanatics seemed to be right up my street. Well not literally...but a few hours away in the town of York. It says on their website that you can ask them a question and they will respond in 10 minutes. I tried this, full of confidence that these guys would be able to sort this matter out. So, I asked them if they could get me this bike and how long it would take, also asked if they could check the chain set and cassette was assembled correctly before despatch and pressed send. The on screen (PHP) message said that I had been successful and to reinforce this success the box turned a beautiful shade of cabbage green. 10 minutes passed, I thought they must be busy, an hour past, I thought they really must be busy or maybe doing some in-depth research into locating my requested product. The entire day has now passed with no correspondence from bike outlet. I really do not like being ignored and will not be able to buy a bicycle for them now. So I am now searching for another bicycle retailer. Maybe one day I will be able to place an order for a bicycle and they will just despatch it with a courier. The next day (or at least at some point afterwards) I could un-package the bicycle and ride it for fitness and exercise and to reduce fuel costs and emissions.

Sadly at the moment this all seems very unlikely. My fitness has already suffered...If my laborious forensic research does not locate a suitable retailer soon, I may have to venture into the world and actually find a bike shop! It will be like the old days when people actually went into shops and spoke to people behind counters. It will be strange and I already feel apprehensive, a man with bad breath will then try and give me sound advice based on over 25 years of experience. In a state of absolute panic and a bid to escape his sales pitch I will be leaving on a heritage cycle with front basket, bell, front and rear dynamo lamps and a fitted pump as standard. It's going to be terrible...

Keith Doughnut

This post has been written by an emotional wreck seeking a brand new bicycle. If you have enjoyed this post or made it this far, keep your eyeballs peeled for my adventure of buying a new computer which has already started very badly (very badly indeed).

The Changing Thymes

Hello my hairy readers,

...and thanks for tuning in for the next instalment. Firstly, I'm wearing my tightest fitting trousers and I'm hoping that you are doing the same. (In fact, if the truth be told, mine are slightly too tight).

Secondly, I've not made a huge and embarrassing mistake and misspelt the title of this blog post. I believe that I may be one of the first consumers to notice that Tesco have altered, changed and re-designed the shape, label and overall appearance of their thyme containers. I'm not sure whether these small glass vessels are considered to be jars or not. Perhaps they are classed as some type of bottle. In any case, I've thoroughly investigated the new design and after much consideration have reluctantly concluded that they are grotesquely ugly, monstrously repulsive, atrociously despicable, unattractive, unpicturesque and generally displeasing on the eye. To put it another way, I much preferred the old design to the new one. Bob Dylan was right when he sang “The Thymes They are a Changing” I've even supplied a digital image (from my very own kitchen) so that you are fully able to judge this calamitous action for yourself.

Figure 1. The New Monstrously Ugly Thyme Jar Launched Secretly by Tesco is on the left (It has a Square Cap) the old Jar is on the right and can be formerly identified by its round cap.

Personally, I consider these highly political acts by Tesco to be a downgrade of the thyme and other kitchen herbs (and spices) in this range of products or household commodities. To put this into a more legible format they have changed all their herbs and spices containers into these monstrous square jars.

It seems that I have unearthed another important exclusive news story ahead of the much larger news organisations.

Keith Doughnut

Live from my garden shed...

ITV's Sports Coverage is Rubbish

Hello Readers and thanks for coming along today to witness me spitting feathers about the useless sports coverage provided by ITV. (if your not from the UK this might not make a whole lot of sense but now that you are here you may as well read it anyway! (like myself it is quite short)

I was going to watch the international football (or soccer to some people) highlights of England v Belarus on ITV. The opening credits played and their gimp of a presenter lead us towards the sports footage with a nonchalant grin. I was perturbed to discover that the footage was in the old 4:3 format which makes the picture a small box on a widescreen TV. This made my blood boil. I do not want to watch sport of any description (highlights or live action) in a small box in the centre of my screen with large black borders down either side. I waited to see if they corrected this error before the actual game footage went out, but they didn't and I had to switch it off...

This has happened many times before with ITV and I have made complaints directly to them. I've never seen other channels make this mistake as they obviously stipulate the correct format as part of the contract. ITV probably don't even know if they are buying or broadcasting footage filmed in colour!

These clowns at ITV Sports made a right old fuss when Setanta refused to sell them highlights to Croatia v England (for peanuts) a few weeks ago. Looking at the poor and unsatisfactory way in which ITV are presenting sports highlights of major events they should not be allowed to have them in my view. All England football matches should be added to the list of protected rights and given directly to the BBC (who are not that much better to be honest). ITV have already ruined Formula 1 (Motor Racing) by outbidding the BBC for the rights. They consequently stuffed the live action with advert breaks to cover the cost of their excessive greed. The commentator (James Allen) will now tell me what has happened during a break in a live event that I am actually watching! That's just great, thanks ITV.

In addition ITV have found themselves some of the worst sports presenters since televised sports began. The anchor man for the football highlights (who is not on TV enough to know or remember his name) is absolutely abysmal. I am just astounded that they managed to find a character more camp and clown like than the BBC's Mark Lawrenson.

My message to you ITV Sport, is to broadcast sport properly or not at all. If you are looking at the stats and wondering why few people bothered watching these highlights...you need to read my blog more often.

Keith Doughnut

Do we need to start a "Say NO to ITV Sports " Campaign?

So Your the Weird Sod That Reads My Blog

Hello Readers and thanks for jumping across the broken fire escape to meet me up here on top of this building.

It is very nice finally discover that some one is reading this page. Still my stalkers count is quite low and only two pairs of underpants have been posted through my letter box this week. Now, all the shenanigans with my old blog have been dealt with and we can sweep all that old stuff up and throw it away, or add it to some soup as a thickener. This week my bottom bracket broke (what the heck is that...I hear you cry). My bicycle has seen better days so I've ordered a new one on the good old internet. Meanwhile I'm getting fat.

Oh yeah...my carrots are ready. (what carrots?) I've grown a load of carrots in some lengths of drain pipe as an experiment. Now they are reet fat (like me) and I've been eating the organic orange vegetables for my tea.

My chest infection has flared up. I'm asthmatic, eratic and currently trapped in my neighbours attic. HELP ME!

Kind regards

Keith Doughnut