Another Day at the Dole Office

Hello follow humans, pigs, trees, furniture and political activists.

Today, I'm angry and also very relaxed at the same time. How can this be? Well it is like a submerged pair of trousers really. The same way that a bicycle without wheels grinds to a halt or the build up of electrical static charges holding a hat onto a bald man's head. These are just the basics really similar to the breakdown of a domestic water bill. Perhaps the surface water charge is too high. Obviously static energy is affected by gender, age or follicle thickness of the subject/agent. In this case an ambeint beef sandwich was divided into the left and right pockets equally. This was achieved by cutting/ripping the sandwich in half.

Some people say that what I write about here is simple and some type of babble. This hypothesis is actually correct but often not evident until afterwards. Perhaps on the train or the bus when activity in the frontal lobe is increased due to Blue Perm Syndrome (BPS) and Active Leg Friction (ALF). These are typical variations of the same theory and when placed along side what is already known about shoes salespersons, makes for very interesting reading. I suggested this at a conference earlier this year and was physically laughed out of the room. It is a dichotomous injustice that some people believe that trousers can not be nostalgic or purple.

If fashion and science can not be pummelled into an equilibrium of dark matter then where can we stand during the riot. I doubt that even a seagull would know which way to fly if these events occurred. Perhaps it would be similar to being turned upside down in the drum of an overloaded washing machine of soiled underpants. If this is what we are currently facing, and it looks that way, then it may be time to seek remedial action.

I'm talking about prevention. If we can prevent this and maybe other things as well then it may be possible to stop this getting out of hand. They often say that prevention is better than a cure but I disagree entirely. In this case it would be much more reassuring to have a cure than see a man in a day-glow jacket waving his silly short arms at me.

None of this would ever have happened if Scargill had been re-elected. There is no contingency plan for the green grocer who finds his most popular oranges devastated by citrus bore weevil. The customer is denied access. The fruit-man denied return on his investment, time and energy and in addition burden of discarding the remnants of pith.

There is little more to be stated on this matter apart from not reading too much into the arthritic conditions of lockjaw whilst waiting for the traffic lights to change.

Keith Doughnut
Making A Stand Against Everything

Is Mark Lawrenson on Twitter?

The answer is probably no...but there is someone on there that smells like him.

The Joy of Hexagons

Hello Readers

...and thanks for bringing tins of fruit, fresh vegetables and surplus food items from your pantries, cupboards, and larders. Unfortunately you have mistaken my blog for the Harvest Festival (again).

I have a miserable dirge for you to read and some complete piffle about my forthcoming book. You can read it or just skip this page. Maybe add a comment or just spit at the screen and watch the drool extend into a long frothy river of spittle that gradually rolls slowly down the screen before slowly dripping onto your desk, table or legs.

Indulgent and Maligned Pathos

They throw mud at him when he walks down the street,
whilst standing still they fire weapons at his feet,
In the post office they barge him out of the way,
The supermarket staff say that he is gay,
At home respect is not at hand,
Ugly faces are pulled and pants buried in the sand,
Strangers punch him in the balls,
and make disgusting prank phone calls,
but despite all this anguish throughout the weeks,
you can still read his blog called “Keith Doughnut Speaks”

I am a man with a Plan, OK it is a saving plan from the Nat-west (circa 1987) but it is still a plan and that is all it says in the book. [What book?]

If anyone is reading this...(I know you will Frank, otherwise you could not have known about the incident with the horse last Thursday) I have received some rather sad news this week. My “perspective” publisher decided not to publish my book titled “The Joy of Hexagons”. I am obviously devastated by this malicious and stupid behaviour.

For several months these idiots asked for more steam. I filled the entire book with steam. There were clouds of steam everywhere. The main character, a Roman foot soldier called Ikbhar had steam coming from his ears. I've managed to pen one final line to complete the saga, it is slightly tongue in turnip and directed at a certain book publisher with a crooked nose and wonky eyebrows, you know who you are...

“Where is my freakin' book deal” said Ikbhar as he pushed a hand cart of sprouts up the hillside. His bladder was full to bursting and he ventured behind a large tree. After a short time a dense cloud of steam billowed over the landscape like an old man's hairstyle.

I'm crying into my cornflakes...

I've got some other stuff to do now so... “MOVE IT, FATTY!”

Keith Doughnut

How to Stop Content and Article Thieves

Is there a proper name for internet article and content thieves? These are the people who troll around the internet stealing copyrighted work from websites. I firmly believe that they are the lowest of the low and have as yet, not discovered a name that is anywhere near nasty enough to label them. I was very surprised indeed when a scrotum-faced thief turned up here and stole one of my blog posts. They removed my salutation from the beginning and deleted my byline from the terminal end then simply (and probably nonchalantly copied the rest of the post. In case this sad individual come back for more I’ve ensured that all my posts are rubbish, badly written and filled with mudcakes (sorry I meant mistakes). Please note that this post belongs to Keith Doughnut so keep your filthy hands of it.

Have you ever seen anything quite as stupid – it is totally beyond my comprehension why this imbecile wants a single blog post for their crappy MFA blog. Although this website is not about making money online I know a few things about the subject. There are certainly some practices to avoid such as stealing other peoples copyrighted work. Duplicate content is definitely frowned upon by Google.

I didn’t think that this smelly content thief would want to publish the comment I made on his ITV Sports website (whatever that is meant to be!). I took the opportunity to take a quick screen grab in case he decides to delete my words of wisdom during the moderation process. I realised that I’m probably one of the few people left who still calls a screen capture a “grab”. It is clearly a much better term or phrase for this type of procedure. Here is what I wrote on this greasy spivs website in response to him stealing my blog content. (like the tattoo on my genitals it says click to enlarge on the underside)

Figure 1. (yeah, I know this is not a school text book) A Screen Grab of my comment to the content thief (Click to enlarge).

This blog is really intended as bit of a scribble pad. The idea is to freely write a whole load of absolute nonsense. This frees up space in my mind which I then use to write my real articles and internet content. In my opinion this website serves a purpose and is essential to my other writing commitments. It also assists me by allowing me to write quickly without any restraints. I do not use SEO or any link building to get traffic. There is no optimisation for google and no adsense adverts. If people come here and don’t like what I have written I just don’t give a monkeys tonsil.

I hope that this post helps explain my newly added and slightly acidic copyright statement.

Keith Doughnut
Fighting Crime

Things Just Aint What They Used to Be!

In the salad days of my youth the streets were not lined with gold. Instead they were littered with dogs mud and fizzy drink cans (also known as fizzy pop by strange people). Walking on the pavements in those days was a real challenge. It was not a task for the faint of heart or those with extra wide feet. You need dexterity and 20-20 vision to avoid what was known locally as the tread of dread.

Please excuse me whilst a go into a separate rant about shoe designers. Why do they always make the tread of shoes so complex. It is almost impossible to get dog dirt from one of these complex patterns. I've tried following all those mazy patterns round with a stick, a knife blade (not from the kitchen draw) and even a specially adapted cotton bud. It really does make my blood boil and on one occasion recently I simply threw the shoes away still caked in the little sausages from a little sausage dog. High pressure hose pipes do a great job but the shoes get wet and also the water splashes me in the face and mouth. This always leaves me paranoid that I may have contracted some form of botulism. (well it was a sausage dog after all). Another idea was to wear shoes with smooth soles but I slipped on a wet floor in the public toilets and injured my knee.

This post is of course lamenting the loss of pavement skills required to walk safely on the busy streets of English towns. New legislation has removed the huge amounts of dogs waste from the pavements. Most see this as a good thing but they have not thought this through. Yobs never used to hang out on the street corner when I was younger. This is because Mr Edwards Labrador from number 16 used to do his business around there. Nobody in the right mind would want to spend an evening standing next his steaming brown memorials. You certainly would not want to lose one of your trainers in there. In the past you needed skills and hawk like vision to survive on the streets. Now with much more isolated dollops walkers have become nonchalant and complacent. A dangerous sense of security has soaked into their subconscious. Under these modern conditions an innocent walker is much more likely not to spot a huge mound and steam straight into it. {{{SPLAT}}}

Another problem that we face today is the dog poo scooper. It is all well and good removing the dog dirt from the pavement, but when I am walking and eating a cereal bar I don't like to see a fat person bent over. It is even worse if I can see them actually manipulating the lumps into those horrible little green bags. I just hate to see people carrying those small bags around with them whilst I am walking. Where do those small bags of dog excrement end up? Well I see them in trees quite often! most of it goes in the ground where the pathogens can happily multiply - real nice idea.

I think that the modern man...when in their youth (also known as chavs) like to wear hooded tops and baseball caps. They have no peripheral vision and are at a great risk of landing the top prize in the weekly doggy-do lottery. Personally I used to enjoy all the streets could throw at me. The new regulations that keep pavements tidy of dog mess have robbed me of this daily challenge. To get home knowing that you have avoided all hazards, leaving them intact for your greatest enemies, is one of the greatest sensations in the world. The next day when you see that someone has taken the top layer off the brown-mountain your spirits just soar.

I think that this matter needs to be investigated. Sent a letter to my local MP. (no reply)

Keith Doughnut
(Addressing the real issues of broken Britain)

Shoe Shop Assistant Spat in my Shoes

Never let it be said that I am a fat and paranoid middle aged man! I want to share with you some astonishing findings. I have long held a suspicion that people who work in shoe shops spit in the shoes. Whilst you patiently (or anxiously for some people) wait for the shop assistant to emerge from the stock room. Unbeknown to the customer they are secretly spitting into the shoes, maybe just a small amount (known as a dribble). This would explain the rye expression given as you insert your foot into the shoe. Do not be fooled by the packaging which is used to cover this disgusting behaviour. This is just a suspicion at the moment in that I have no actual evidence. The wet patch on my socks is always dry by the time that I get home. I have a friend that is a dentist and he believes and backs my theory. This is what Alf had to say yesterday afternoon when I called him at the surgery.

Keith: “Hello Alf, its Keith”
Alf: “Keith who?”
Keith: “Doughnut…”
(Long pause)

Alf: “What do you want Keith?”
Keith: “I have a suspicion that shoe shop assistants have been spitting in shoes before I try them on (my feet). I wondered…
(Interrupted)
Alf: “You’re probably right Keith, but I’ve got to go because someone is trying to steal my car!” Bye.
(Call ended – abruptly)

Later I managed to find Alf’s car parked outside the Dental Practice where he works. Luckily the receptionist was able to make me an appointment and I was able to continue my conversation with Alf. Sadly, Alf was not very talkative (perhaps the pressure of work) and conversing was difficult with his fingers and dental instrument in my mouth. This was an oversight on my part and also involved some very painful treatment to one of my molars. This is really the extent of my investigation so far. It is a difficult situation because I need solid proof before reporting it to the relevant authority. In fact I have no knowledge of who the governing body or ombudsman is for the retail shoe industry. I have written a brief (no not about my briefs) email to the BBC’s Watchdog television programme but they have so far failed to reply. In the email I recommended making a new series called B-rogue Retailers.

It’s going to be a while before my shoes need replacing so it is going to be difficult to prove my theory (unless they are stolen). I feel a bit like Charles Darwin at the moment, when he discovered the theory of evolution nobody believed him either. The only thread of hope at the moment is that a local science student has offered to carry out DNA testing on my socks the next time this happens. If you have ever had a similar incident when buying shoes (or boots) please join my campaign to make shoe shop assistants wear a spit-proof muzzle at all times.

Keith Doughnut

Digital Asset Management

Hello Readers

I have continued my fight with Mesh with little success so far apart from the fact they have eventually taken the PC back to their factory. I'm actually writing this post with a ZX spectrum 48K. Well actually, it's just lucky that my current PC has kept running...it makes some very peculiar sounds from time to time though. My plan of building a new PC is now on the back burner so to speak. The credit crunch has forced me into making some drastic changes. Humour blogs are great fun and we all like them eh...oh well I like them anyway!

Sadly this blog is just a pile of old trousers with some turnips on the top. I've decided to delete the whole thing and start again. Keith Doughnut is turning over a new fig leaf and starting a venture into digital asset management. Now you might be wondering what a digital asset actually is? If so, allow fat Keith to explain. If you have a computer filled with files these could be classed as documents or digital assets. The files are kept in a repository (all in the same place). To keep track of all the files so that you can find specific data you need either document management software or digital asset management software. There are some software programmes that will do both but not usually as well as specific software for each type of files. It is all about quick acess to digital data. It seems that digital asset management is big business in the world of big business (not dogs business - thats different).

So there you have it...I will now be looking into all aspects of digital asset management tools and systems and writing detailed articles oin the subject. It all began when trying to locate specific digital files on my over filled hard drive. Digital assets can be any type of file including music or sound files such as .wav or .mp3, digital images (or photographs) and illustrations, media (including video clips), slideshows, powerpoint presentations. The main point is that all this important data needs to be managed by applying the correct software solution.

That's me my teas ready...thanks for visiting - its all a little too late but I appreciate you dropping by, thankfully you have landed on my best page. The last page of the last chapter. Please closs the door on your way out.

Cheers (big ears)

Keith Doughnut
Guru of Digital Asset Management (and no mistake)

Mesh Computer Fiasco Continues

hello, I'm Keith Doughnut!

I seem to have the most unfortunate luck with electronics, well actually not just with electronics with everything else as well. My life is similar to a giant “turnip of woe” drifting through outer-space looking for unusual flavours of jam!

I’ve found fame on several occasions in the past but each time my moment in the sun was short lived. This is fine with me because my face turns very red in the sun anyway and to be honest I dislike it when people mistake me for a beetroot. So here we are having a nice chat about which flavour of pot noodle is the best…no that wasn’t it, it was my computer fiasco.

I am now officially involved with a dispute. This means that I have to write lots of important letters to people using fancy words in place of profanity. These letters have to be sent by recorded post so that the recipients at the other end can not just hide in the under-stairs cupboard. I could do this though, if of course I didn’t live in a bungalow. I have tried to get in the cupboard under the sink instead but injured my head on the under-sink plumbing. In addition, I’ve also accidentally licked the outflow pipe from the washing machine and spent several days convinced that I had contracted botulism or typhoid.

I feel quite stressed and anxious about this computer fiasco which is worse by a country mile than the bicycle debacle that preceded it. I’m starting to wonder if buying products at distance is worth the trouble. The foolish pimple faced underpant sniffing gimps at Mesh Computers have caused me to feel quite low going into the New Year. I can’t help imagine some Spotty-Herbert stoned from the night before throwing a computer together with complete nonchalance.

It’s very cold here today.

There is a limit of how much toilet paper that a u-bend can accommodate in one flush. I have included this information in the documentation to my credit card company in the hope that can intervene in my dispute and get my refund sorted out. It was a close thing yesterday…you know when the tide rises almost to the top of the bowl but then suddenly just as you think “oh no” the level suddenly dropped again. If I had used one more sheet of bog-paper we would have needed to get the plunger involved. I omitted this information from my letters to the credit card company but may send it to Mesh Computers later (when the dispute is over) for my own entertainment. Much like the day I spent last week crawling along the floor making rude noises.

This is all that I have to say on this matter.

Keith Doughnut

I’m wearing my anti-static wrist strap – are you wearing yours?

Are Mesh Computers Really as Bad as People Say?

Hello Readers and thanks for interacting with me on this merry day.

Today I want to talk about mesh computers. I last bought a computer from a company called MESH in 2003. They had a really cool website and good reputation for building good quality computers in those days. That same computer with several upgrades and repairs has lasted 6 years. Time has moved on though and I now require a more powerful machine.

Mesh computers have always attracted lots of publicity for poor customer service but I thought this was just angry rude inpatient people mouthing off.

On the 2nd of December I placed an order for a new computer from Mesh Computers. This was a quite exciting experience because the machine contained a new Intel i7 processor. Anyway, Mesh reckoned that they will build and ship my computer in 14 working days. They didn’t.

My computer did arrive on the 30/12/2008 and any great excitement and joy was short lived. The machine was carefully removed from its packaging and stood on the kitchen table for examination. The case was not assembled correctly on the left side. The card reader was pressed in on one side. The case was scratched/marked on the upper right edge. This is all superficial or repairable damage that I could live with if the machine worked.

So I set about the task of re-arranging the office for the placement of the new computer. This took most of the (working day). I have a very complex set up that takes a lot of configuring. In addition, I cleaned the desk and made sure everything was clean tidy. This involved using a cleaning cloth and a vacuum cleaner!

Eventually, I set about setting up the new computer. I am a pessimistic person so only attached the monitor, speakers, keyboard and mouse. The moment of truth had arrived and the machine was switched on for the first time. I held my breath, my face went blue and then the screen flickered into action. I exhaled…

The rest of the afternoon (and early evening) were spent setting up and updating Microsoft Vista. Everything seemed as though it was working although vista was doing its own thing which prevented me doing mine! My first ambition was to set up a network and internet connection. I pressed the button on the optical drive and watched as the tray lazily and jaggedly opened. I carefully placed the software disc in the tray and observed it close the same way it opened. This is where the problems began. The computer’s optical drive did not read the disc. Instead it just made strange noises and vista provided me with its ever present circle of joy. I tried to investigate the situation by opening the task manager and Vista crashed!



I spent several hours trying to get the computer to read the disc thinking that the disc was faulty (although it worked in my laptop and older desktop pc). The disc was clean but I cleaned it anyway and tried it again. It worked – so I eventually set up the network and broadband connection.

I decided to add more software but the same thing happened. Only this time each time I removed the disc there was an area of visible damage on the disc surface. It was at this point that it occurred to me that this computer was a huge shoddy pile of junk and I was about to encounter Mesh’s legendary customer services department. The joy and excitement of buying a new computer had been replaced with disillusioned sadness.

It was now 18:15 in the evening, and with sorrow made a call to mesh to discuss the problems of my computer’s useless optical drive. To my surprise my call was answered rather swiftly by a man with a very strong accent. In fact I could not understand a word that he said. At his point I felt very flustered and out of kilter…somehow we managed to communicate sufficiently so that we both understood the situation. He told me that my computer could be returned and that Mesh would send a complete replacement within 5 working days. This set my mind at rest and I grudgingly began resurrecting up my old computer.

The phone rang and the display showed an “Unknown” number. It was Mesh and it was my indecipherable foreign friend. I have no idea what he said but I’m sure it was just the same as before. A few minutes later Mesh called again and this time my indecipherable foreign friend gave me some information that I had to write down. It was just ridiculous! I have no idea what he was saying and pretty much just agreed by saying “OK” each time he stopped speaking. Afterwards I wondered what was going on!

The next day after a night of turbulent sleep I rang Mesh to investigate the situation. Somehow, I was no longer getting a replacement computer within 5 working days. My computer was going back to base for a priority repair. Is this what I had agreed? I am a quiet man with a placid peaceful outlook on life but at this stage my temper began to fray. It was at this stage that I began to fear for my outlay and requested that they arrange for collection of the defective computer because I wanted a full refund. Any question asked after this point was met with the same response which was basically “you will have to read section 8 and 9 of the terms and conditions”

A refund has to be requested in writing…so I’ve written them a nice letter requesting a refund.

So there you have it…the state of play. I’m back using my old computer whilst Mesh has £1440 of my money. There is a large box with a useless computer parked in my bedroom awaiting collection which I think I have to pay £45.00

I’m not sure whether it is an accurate assessment but I’ve decide that all computer companies are poo. On receipt of my refund I’m going to build a computer myself and may even write a new blog on how to build your own so that other disgruntled consumers can follow me into the world of the unknown.

I’m actually looking forward to the experience and have invested in a pair of long-nose pliers as a gesture of my commitment to this project. I will keep you updated of further developments in this tale of dismal woe, misery and computer building incompetence (by Mesh).

If you have read this to the end you may need to sit in dark room for a couple of hours whilst your brain re-adjusts to normal functionality.

Keith Doughnut
A Shop-Keepers Nightmare